The flesh is firm and uniform, clean all the way through, with a consistent pale colour from edge to centre, with no gaps, no internal voids, and no stress fractures pulling it apart from the inside.
I close my eyes again, and a smile spreads over my lips as relief floods every part of me.
There’s still a chance they could form hollow heart in the next few weeks before harvest. The pressure points are still there, and any of them could push the field in the wrong direction if they come in too hard.
But right now, that’s not happening. And a firm belief rises inside me that it won’t happen.
Nothing in this field is going to split, break, or fall apart.
Including me.
Because I just found my courage.
My heart is only whole and complete with Levi.
And together, we have the power to live the life we want.
FORTY-EIGHT
I glanceout the window of my office towards the garage, and my leg bounces, like it has been all day.
It’s getting late, and I haven’t even seen Silas all day. I’ve barely seen him in the past couple days since he fell into a spiral about possibly losing everyone if they were to find out about us. That he might not be accepted by his safe people if he were to show them another side of himself.
I’m fucking worried.
My head tips back with a sigh as I run my fingers through my hair. He’s been spraying fungicide in the fields, and then yesterday he ran some errands for Scott, so I haven’t seen him much the past couple days. But maybe we’re also kind of avoiding each other a bit. It’s a complicated situation, so I don’t know if we’re giving each other space to figure out our feelings or just avoiding what we don’t know how to handle. I keep circling the same place in my head, caught between letting him figure out what he needs and going to him to help in any way I can. But I don’t want to push… so I don’t know. It’s not like we’re mad at each other. It’s just… confusing. He still had that distant look every time I’ve seen him, and my heart is breaking for him.
But I can’t stay away any longer.
Without another thought, I push to my feet and close my laptop.
I need to go find him. I need to know he’s ok, and that we’re ok. I need him.
I head out of the office and straight to the garage, scanning the lot for any sign of him. The tractors are both here, so I know he’s not in the field today. He has to be here.
“Hey, Levi,” his Papa calls from one of the bays as I step into the garage.
He’s standing with Peter, Keith, and Rob, the four of them bent over something on the workbench, and I scan the open space as I head towards them.
“Hey,” I say, my eyes lingering on Silas’s workbench, which shows no sign of him having been using it today. “Have you seen Silas?”
Rob’s eyes flick to his bench as well. “He hasn’t been in here today.”
His Papa glances out the back door towards the fields. “He came down quite early this morning and went straight for the garage, but I haven’t seen him since. He’s probably out walking the fields.”
I follow his line of sight, drawing in a breath as I look out across the rows.
I hope so.
“Ok, thanks,” I say, giving them a nod. “I’ll go check.”
My heart races as I head straight for the hollow heart field. It’s not like Silas to ditch work and not tell anyone, especially his Papa. But he’s right. Silas has to be out here, walking the fields. That’s what he does when he feels anxious.
But I don’t see him here either.
Fuck.
I lift my hand to shield my eyes against the sun and scan the hollow heart field one more time, hoping he’s just crouching down somewhere and I don’t see him.
