Annika sighs, and a look of disappointment flashes across her face.
“What is it you want from me, Annika?” I ask, pulling my hands from the keyboard and turning my chair to face her fully. “My personal life is not your concern. Or anyone else’s. I show up, I teach my students, I do my work, I?—”
“You left the conference,” she says, like it’s an accusation.
I huff as I drag a hand through my hair. “Yeah. I’ve already heard about that one. Message received.”
Her features harden, and her gaze flicks back to my neck again. She keeps her eyes on the marks like she wants me to see her seeing it. “I’m here to help, Cade.”
“And what do I need help from, Annika?” I ask, staring right at her.
She just meets my eyes and stares right back at me. Her lips don’t move, but I can hear the words anyway.
Me. I need help from me.
And part of me believes that.
But instead of saying it, she rises from her chair, smoothing her hands against her skirt like she’s trying to settle herself. And a small, sad smile touches her lips. “I’m just always here, ok?”
I lean back in my chair and let out a slow breath. “Yeah. You always are.”
The second that leaves my mouth, I regret it. But it’s too late to take it back, as her expression falters, and I catch the flash of hurt in her eyes before she drops them.
Fuck, I’m an asshole.
Before I can open my mouth to say anything else and try to soften the blow, she looks at me again.
“It’s been really sad to watch you fall apart.”
Those words land like stone, and I freeze.
“And you have been,” she continues. “The past couple months, I’ve watched you drift from everything. You’ve isolated yourself. More than usual. But these past two weeks…” Her eyes flick down to the marks on my neck, then back up. “I just really hope you can come back from this.”
My fingers pick at the skin around my thumb as I stare back at her. “And why do you think I want to come back?” I ask, the words slipping out before I can stop them.
Her head tilts slightly, and her eyes fill with sadness. “Please don’t throw your life away, Cade.”
Then she turns and leaves my office.
My eyes stay fixed on the empty doorway as her footsteps fade down the hall, and silence settles over me again. It spreads through the room like a heavy fog rolling in, clouding any chance I have to recognize anger, regret, sadness… anything I can hold on to.
I let my gaze fall to the desk, where the late afternoon sun is stretching across the surface, and part of it spills onto my arm. I push up my sleeve with my other hand and angle my wrist into it, closing my eyes as I try to hold on to the sensation. The warmth touches my skin, and I focus on it with everything I have, willing it to ignite something deeper. I wait, searchingfor the flicker of emotion I know should be there following that conversation.
But nothing comes.
So I slam my laptop shut and forcefully push back from the desk to stand.
Fuck this.
I grab my bag and lock my office behind me, keeping my eyes forward as I pass Annika and Omar’s open office doors.
But when I reach my car, I pause.
The static inside me has been growing with an intense need since Annika first stepped into my office. I successfully kept it at bay all day, buried beneath exam questions, simulations, and the sting of my hoodie against the raw skin on my neck… but now it’s pushing in, and it’s demanding to be answered.
I toss my bag into the back seat, pull off my hoodie so I’m in just my T-shirt and sweatpants, and slam the car door. Then I turn and walk out of the parking lot. And once I reach the street, I start running.
Where I’m running… I don’t even know. I just know I need to outrun the need to get so fucked up I can’t even remember my own name.
