I had everything a kid could need—loving, present parents, a big brother who looked out for me, a safe home, quiet streets, calm days. Even being twelve years younger than Darren, an accident no one ever called an accident, I never doubted I was wanted.
And yet, I always felt like I was arriving late. Like the story was already written before I even showed up. I always had this sense that I was out of place everywhere I went, and I missed some unspoken lesson everyone else had learned.
So the memories that stick with me aren’t the happy ones. They’re the ones where I disappeared. Where I slipped into the woods behind the house to lie on the forest floor with damp leaves under my back. I’d stare up at the canopy of trees, trying to figure out how the light broke through them, why it moved the way it did, and how things worked. Why they mattered.
In a world that always felt slightly off-axis, physics became the one thing I could sink into. It offered structure, logic, and a way to explain the chaos of this universe. Even the messiest systems had rules I could trace, if I looked closely enough.
And when I’m in it, I can become just a mind, and forget that I’m failing at being a person.
It’s the only thing that’s ever made sense.
And somehow, all of that added up to now.
To me, standing in this yard, smiling at my dad like everything’s fine when it hasn’t been for a long time.
“Finished?” Mom’s voice calls from the back deck.
I turn to see her watching us, leaning on the railing.
“Yeah,” I say, dropping the last log onto the pile.
“Alright, dinner’s ready. Come on in,” she says, motioning us inside. Then, before I can even open my mouth, she points a finger at me. “And you’re not driving back to Fredericton without eating first. I haven’t even had a chance to talk to you.”
Then she disappears inside.
Dad chuckles and heads towards the house, motioning for me to follow him.
I do, even though I was going to say I need to head back and prep for work tomorrow.
But Mom knew I would say that.
And she probably knows it’s a lie.
What she doesn’t know is that I’ll be working from home tomorrow, spending more time with a bottle of rum than with the simulation code on my screen.
As I step inside, the smell of Mom’s cooking hits me, and I automatically pull a deep breath in. Mom emerges from the kitchen, setting a roast chicken on the table next to bowls of potatoes and grilled veggies as I take a seat.
And I hate that I’m wondering how fast I can eat and get out of here.
“So, Cade,” Mom says as she settles across from me with a hopeful smile. “How’s work?”
I try not to roll my eyes. I love her, and I know she means well, but why does that always have to be everyone’s first question?
Then again, like Darren said… what else are they supposed to ask me about?
So I just nod. “Good.”
But she continues to stare at me.
I let out a sigh and give her a half-shrug. “It’s alright. Research is going well, but the rest of it is bullshit.”
She snorts, scooping mashed potatoes onto my plate. “Sounds like you need a sabbatical.”
“I fucking wish,” I mutter.
From the seat next to her, Dad silently watches me. I quickly avert my gaze and look down at my plate, not in the mood to deal with any scrutiny right now. He seems to be noticing more lately, and I’m pissed at myself for not hiding it better. The distance, the tiredness, the edge in my voice that wasn’t always there…
Just as he opens his mouth to speak, the phone rings.
