A ghost of a smile touches my lips, and for a second, it feels almost normal. Like I’m not a mess, and we’re just two brothers simply catching up.
“So,” Darren starts, and I hear the shift in his voice that reminds me that’s not true, as he shifts into big brother mode. Being twelve years older than me, it comes way too fucking naturally to him. “It’s sunny and warm here in Nova Scotia today. How is it there?”
The fucking weather? Seriously?
I shift my eyes towards the window, taking in the soft sunlight streaming in. “Same.”
But Darren remains silent on the other end. And I know why.
I know he knows. He knows I haven’t been outside today, and he probably knows I’m at least a couple drinks deep. It’s why he calls every weekend, usually on Saturday night, even though he’s never said it out loud. But I see the way he watches me when we’re both home in Moncton, as if he’s trying to piece something together without tipping me off. Like he knowssomethingis wrong, but he can’t figure it out.
You and me both, bud.
“How’s work?” he asks in that same careful tone, easing around the edges of the question he really wants to ask.Are you ok?
I roll my eyes and look back at the ceiling. “It’s the weekend, Darren.”
“Yeah,” he says, a little too gently for my liking. “But you don’tdoanything else, so… what else am I supposed to ask you?”
Asshole.
A sigh escapes me, and I don’t bother hiding it. “It’s fine. Besides dealing with eager, stuck-up dickwads and students who don’t know a wavefunction from a waveform.” I sigh again. “My research is going well.”
“Well, that’s good.” His voice lifts a little, and I try not to let that annoy me. “Any major breakthroughs in the quantum mechanics world coming soon?”
I roll my eyes with a huff. “No. No one’s celebrating marginal entropy shifts in imaginary systems just yet.”
Darren laughs. “Well… I have no idea what that means, so I’ll take your word for it.”
But my gaze drifts towards a notebook by the armchair, where I’d jotted down the results from the simulation I ran this week. Something about the edge cases in the entropydistribution had been bothering me… I’d meant to rerun that batch, maybe adjust the boundary conditions or?—
“Cade?”
“Sorry,” I mutter, dragging a hand down my face as I force my attention back on Darren. “What?”
“I asked if you’re going to Mom and Dad’s tomorrow?” Darren asks, sounding even more concerned now.
“Yeah,” I say. “I’m going to help Dad get their yard cleaned up.”
“Good,” Darren says. “We’re planning to visit in a couple weeks, so I can plug away at some too while we’re there.”
“I’ll leave plenty for you then,” I say, eyes dropping to the whiskey bottle on the table, hating that I’m even half-considering making those words true.
But Darren just chuckles, taking it as the joke it was supposed to be. “Perfect. I’ll bring my chainsaw and pretend I know what I’m doing.”
But I don’t laugh.
I want to, and I wish I could. But the weight in my chest is becoming heavier, dragging me deeper into the void I can’t climb out of. I hate that he continually wastes his weekends checking on me, and I know he spends more time than he’d ever admit worrying about me. And while he’s trying to keep things light… I have my eyes locked on a bottle of whiskey, proving that he has every reason to worry.
There are some murmuring sounds in the background as Claire says something, and I hear the kids cheer.
Darren chuckles. “Ok, sorry bud, looks like I have to go. We’re going to fire up the barbecue.”
“Sounds nice,” I say, glancing down at the glass resting on my knee and tilting it just enough for the sunlight to catch the whiskey, turning it a rich, honeyed amber. “Enjoy.”
He hesitates for a moment. “I’ll call tomorrow when you’re at Mom and Dad’s, and I’ll see you in a couple weeks.”
I take a slow, deep breath and hold it until my lungs start to burn, just enough to feel real. Then I let it go. “Yeah. Sounds good.”
