Mac stays quiet for a moment. “I know,” he says eventually.
The sun finally falls below the horizon, and all that’s left is a faint glow of orange where it was sitting, as darkness presses in on us.
But still, we don’t move.
Because darkness doesn’t fucking scare me. It never has, and it won’t start now.
Darkness is quiet, honest, and full of things most people turn away from. But I’ve seen what lives in it, and how hard it is to outrun.
Everything ahead is a question, and everything behind me fucking hurts. But as I let the dark close in and let it strip away all the noise… it gives me the push I need.
This is going to fucking work.
I’ll make damn sure of it.
FORTY-THREE
My head throbsas I drag myself downstairs, and my footfalls on the steps sound like thunder echoing through my skull. I rub a hand over my face as I reach the bottom, scratching at the stubble I haven’t shaved in days. At this point, I can’t even be sure what day it is… I haven’t stepped outside since Alder brought me home.
But I need to today. Because I have to go in to work.
And I need more rum.
I finished my last bottle last night, and it’s been the only thing keeping me from completely losing it.
As I head for the kitchen, something through the front window catches my eye, and I pause.
My car is parked in the driveway.
It takes a moment for my mind to catch up and remember that I left it at my parents’ house in Moncton. I’ve been drunk for days, so I barely even noticed it wasn’t here, but… I also think I was trying to ignore that. Because as I stand here and stare at it, the emotion I’ve been trying to bury under the rum tries to make its way out, and I swallow hard.
Alder made sure I got it back… just like he said he would.
Suddenly, my phone buzzes in my pocket, and I flinch as my entire body recoils from the sound and feeling. Every sense is overwhelmed as it continues to ring, and I close my eyes as I try to pull in a deep breath. I feel like I’m riding the edge of collapse from too much alcohol and not enough sleep, and I know if I look at the screen, I’ll either be pissed off or want to cry.
Because I know it’s either Mom, Dad, or Darren. They’ve been calling and texting nonstop, and I haven’t been able to answer yet. I can barely stand to be in my own mind, let alone manage someone else’s worry. And right now, I can barely handle being sober. All I want in this moment is another drink, so I can continue to drown out this ache that won’t let up, and lighten the unbearable weight pressing down on me from all sides.
The buzzing stops, and I keep my eyes on my car for a moment longer as I try to keep myself from checking my phone to see which one of my family members it was this time.
But I do it anyway, because I seem to find some sick joy in making myself suffer. And lighting up the screen is a missed call from Dad.
I rub a hand over my face with a sigh and turn away from the window, shoving my phone back in my pocket.
First stop, liquor store.
I twist off the cap of the brand new rum bottle before I’m even fully in my chair and pour it into my empty travel mug on my desk. Then I toss the bottle back into my bag, sit back, and take a long drink as I let it burn on the way down. I close my eyes as Isit back and let it flow through me, feeling the familiar sting and biting heat carve a path to push this new pain away. The pain I finally feel.
I’d rather be numb again.
Just as I take another long drink, there’s a knock at my door. I open my eyes, and a loud sigh escapes me.
“Hey Cade,” Annika says with a cautious smile as she steps into my office. But she pauses, and her smile drops as her eyes roam over me. “Are you?—”
“What do you want?” I ask, unable to hear those words come out of her mouth right now. Because I’m not sure I have the ability to lie about it in this moment.
Her eyes widen as she glances over me again, watching me like I’m a bomb about to blow.
She’s not wrong.
