“Your turn,” he said cheerily, suddenly passing me as he exited the small backroom that served as our intimate chat-with-Gina place. We’d done this twice yesterday, and here I was again. With nothing to say. I had nothing to say at all.
If someone had asked me the same question yesterday?
Hell.
“Peter,” Gina said softly. “Take a seat.”
Not even a chance to breathe.
“How have the past twenty-four hours been? And Oliver? Is he what you expected?”
“What I expected?” I almost snarled. Then I managed to actually produce a smile. A smirk perhaps.
“Oliver is a delight. Very nice. We’ve had a great time. I look forward to spending more time with him today.”
Neat. Tidy.
“And what about Diane? She expressed her desire to spend time with you earlier, and today we will have the speed-dating challenge, where you get to choose three people to spend alone time with. Have you thought about who those people will be for you?”
“What?” I gulped out as the cameraman laughed.
The cameraman. What kind of circus were they running here?
“Do you know what I would like?” I said instead, feeling my face heat up.
“No. Tell me. What are you hoping for?”
“I hoped for a connection. For laughter. And I hoped I would meet someone who would make me feel…all those things I haven’t felt in a long time.”
“Sounds wonderful. Things we all hope for,” Gina said softly.
“And instead? I am sat here wondering what is actually going on.”
“Well, that, dear viewers, is exactly what we are all thinking. Am I right?” She turned to the camera. “Because that is where you, the viewer, come in…”
“It shouldn’t be up to strangers to decide.”
Who was I again? Some middle-aged idiot thinking this would have been the answer to all his prayers or something? What a fool I was. And now I was even voicing it out loud.
“Perhaps, Peter, perhaps sometimes strangers can see what none of us notice ourselves.”
“Only we know what we feel. You can’t see feelings on the outside.” I was being too sharp here. Not guarded enough. And that’s why I was spouting nonsense.
“Oh, but I think you can. Sometimes a simple glance can tell an almost complete story. Don’t you think?”
“We’re human beings here. We don’t communicate through…glances.”
“No,” Gina agreed, adjusting herself in her seat. “But sometimes actions speak louder than words. And your defensiveness here tells me something I think we all can read.”
I stood up. And I walked out, as Gina’s voice rang through the air, calling my name.
There was anger in my chest. I couldn’t explain why, but I didn’t like this. I didn’t like any of it.
Finding myself standing in the middle of the common room? The sound of people’s chatter, doors slamming and a cameraman panning across the sofa? I couldn’t even figure out where I was going or what I was looking for. But I felt lost, and at a loss. Confused and out of place. If someone had shoved a plate of X-rays in my hand? I could have found solid ground and gathered my thoughts. Here I had nothing. No boys to keep me grounded. No house chores to complete.
No Mary.
I fled, and I wasn’t proud. Through that door with the metallic four. Into the bathroom, kicking the door shut behind me.
