“Stop,” he said, and pushed me away. Just a little. Still managed one more kiss. “I need to talk to you. Here. Where there’s no boys, and no Mary.”
“Mary…is dead.”
Oh, Peter. You fucking wanker.
“Oliver, it was just a thing we did when she had gone. Something to make things a little more bearable. We were so grief-stricken and I was in shock and it happened far too fast. We knew she didn’t have long, but…there was just not enough time. We kept her. And we talked to her, and we made this thing real so we wouldn’t hurt so much. She’s not really there. It’s just…grief. It’s a horrible, awful thing. We try…just to make it something we can…live with.”
“I get that. I don’t mind.”
“But I should have moved on. I should have taken her out and let her go. It’s the done thing. It’s not fair, not to me. Not to the boys.”
I just looked at him. My gorgeous, lovely…Oliver. His eyes so dark and…those lips. His little nose. There was a freckle on his eyelid. I kissed it. Because I could.
“It’s not fair on you.”
“But…I’m here. And you’re there.”
Such simple words. I loved that he said them. That… How suddenly this was…so easy. Yet so complicated. So many different angles and hurdles and ways…
“I need to just tell you something before we go because you need to know.” He was now holding me at arm’s length. Awkward, because I would have to learn to do this. Have him close and not try to eat his face.
“Okay.” I was calm. There was nothing he could say that would hurt me. Nothing. Still high on being here and him being wrapped in my arms. Like he was a protective armour. Him.
I want to kiss you. I want all of this.
I’m sorry. I do. And I hate that I can’t just. I… God. Oliver.
He suddenly didn’t seem so tall. Or maybe I was just wearing shoes.
“I have a problem with cocaine. I’ve had…an addiction for a while. It’s really destructive, and I need to work through that.”
I tried to take those words in. Those words every parent fears. I could deal.
I’d lied. The hurt in my chest was awful. I didn’t want those words to make sense. To be real. But then they were, and…No. No. Please don’t do this.
“I have an appointment with an addiction therapist on Monday. A good one. I am going to fix this, head-on. I just need you to know…everything. I need you to know that I am not hiding anything.”
“I…” Oh. I knew this. I knew how to handle this. “Thank you for telling me,” I said, breathing out. Yes. I could do this.Please. No.
“I’ve been at it for years… It’s… It became awful. In the end, I couldn’t function, and I was out every night and partying and meeting up with men and… Peter, I’ve never had sex sober. Ever. I’ve never…kissed anyone…without a whole bunch of stuff up my nose. Or an enormous amount of drink. It’s all a coping mechanism. I don’t have to…you know. Think.”
“It’s probably a lot more complicated than that.”For fuck’s sake, Peter!
“Not really. The last time I did coke was the night before I went into filming. I hooked up with someone and got fucked. Woke up in a strange apartment and freaked out. A regular occurrence. It wasn’t good. But it was what I did, and even then, I knew it was out of control. Absolutely out of control. It’s been weeks since then, and I haven’t touched anything.”
I was stroking my hands, up and down his back. Up his arms. Down them again. Stroking his fingers. A nervous movement that seemed to calm us both.
“I know it’s not good, and I know it’s probably not what you want to hear.” His voice was so low. So sad.
“No, probably not.”
“I didn’t take anything in the…whilst we were filming. I didn’t need to.”
“No, because we didn’t…”
“I was offered stuff. Thom had all kinds of things. Some runner provided it.”
I didn’t know what to say. How had I not known that?
