“You’re a forty-five-year-old, bisexual man. You always have been, and you will die that way. Mum knew. She loved you for it. And it’s not like you didn’t explore it. Do you honestly think we don’t know what the two of you were up to? Dad. Come on.”
“I don’t want to…” I defended myself.Shut the fuck up.
“Level with me, Father dearest.” Oh here he went. Adjusting his stance. Stabbing me right where it would hurt.
“Mum’s autobiography sold three million copies worldwide. I still get royalty checks. Remember?”
Don’t. Remind. Me.
“It’s in there. Not all of it, but enough. There are at least three million people who are fully aware that you enjoyed the occasional dalliance with dicks.”
“Oh God, please don’t, Ed.” I curled up. Head on my knees.
“Oh yes. We are going to go there. And Cal? Too angry with me at the moment to join me in this cosy little chat we have going on here, but if he could actually get his head out of his arse and see the truth? He’s got something really good going on at uni. Really good. He won’t admit it and keeps going looking for girls when I actually don’t think he has any interest in anyone else at all. He’s spoken for, nailed down, and he knows it.”
“For heaven’s sake, Ed, can you for once stop outing people! I don’t want to know. La-la-la!” I was covering my ears in desperation.
“Cal is Cal. It’s not like you don’t know, Dad. It’s not news. And no secrets. I know. Cal knows. And you, God, Dad. What are you doing to yourself? You went into this massive depression last time you were into blokes, and then we had to deal with the fallout of Mum’s book. This time?Right now? You have something good, something really bloody good. Ollie… He’s great! Don’t you see that? He’s funny and decent, and he lives in fucking Fenchurch Street. Do you think he’s here hanging out with you for his health? Because he wants your money? I looked him up; he’s fucking loaded, Dad! Never needs to work again, if he doesn’t want to. He’s smart, he’s funny, and he plays football. And you’re sat here crying in a corner because not only that, but he’s crushing on you harder than a hammer on a nail.”
“Ed,” I groaned. “What the fuck?”
“I don’t know. Trying to come up with some suitable puns here, but I’m too angry to actually think. You sound so funny when you swear. The fuck, Dad? Sorry, Mum, but he needs to hear it.”
“He’s gone?”
Ed took out his phone. Scrolled in the dim light. “They’re at Bank. So yeah. Cal’s going to the King’s Arms on the way back. He’s meeting up with Ali and Bianca. You and I? We’re going to go down and watch stuff on TV and have a beer. Because I can’t do this shit. It’s doing my head in. And you’re going to have a shower. Don’t know what’s up with you, but you stink, Dad. Change out of those pyjamas before Auntie Patel sees you. Honestly, Dad. This stops now.”
This was when I stood up for myself.
I couldn’t even physically stand myself up. And perhaps, yes. I stank. I needed a bath. I needed to wash my hair and ring Deepak and sort work and get back on the surgery schedule, and I needed to…
“I know things need to change,” I admitted. That was as far as I was able to go. Right now. And still? I couldn’t stop shaking.
Chapter 24
Oliver
“Dad’s fine, he’s not going anywhere. Chill, mate.”
An apparently normal morning greeting from my new friend Cal.
So we were friends now? Apparently. At least, something had settled in me. Something quite deep down, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but Calvin Felton. Twenty-something. The messy, slightly bohemian-looking kid who was currently perched on my kitchen counter. On a Thursday morning. His curly hair almost down to his shoulders. His jacket had a rip on the sleeve. And I had no idea why I was feeling protective of him or why I wasn’t telling him to get the fuck out of my flat.
“Are you not supposed to be at uni?” I sighed. Rude perhaps, but he was uninvited and unexpected, and yes, he had my number, and yes, perhaps he had texted me a few times, and yes. No. That didn’t mean he could just turn up like this. I’d seen him on Saturday when he’d driven me home. Sunday morning. Tuesday morning. Now it was Thursday, and he was back here…again. Annoying me.
“No, it’s summer holidays, so we’ve no classes and we’re subletting the house to summer students, so we had to pack up our stuff and stick it in the loft. I’m pretty much a free man for the next month, so I’m staying here for a bit. I mean, I was worried about Dad, but he’s… Honestly mate. He’s good. Just let things settle in his head.”
“Settle?”
Settle? I could feel it flaming right back up. Settle…my arse. He could go settle somewhere for all I cared, as long as I could…
Shit.
“I really want to go see him.”
“Nothing’s stopping you, mate.”
“Stop with the mate.”
