“What, Beckett? You’ve made yourself perfectly clear. We can’t do this; we shouldn’t do this; your job comes first,my dad comes first. I got it, you don’t need to keep saying it. We can just pretend that none of it happened. Thanks for being kind and accommodating. I’m more than happy to move out if you need me to, doesn’t matter to me.”
He takes the phone out of my hand and sets it on the counter. He spins the barstool I’m sitting on and makes me look at him.
“I don’t want you to leave.”
“Then what the fuck do you want!? Because your actions are confusing as hell, and they don’t ever match your words.”
He answers me by kissing me, soft, sweet, gentle. It only lasts a few seconds before he pulls away.
“I want things that I shouldn’t, that I can’t have. But fuck, I want to take them anyway, Sloane.”
He rests his forehead on mine, and my fingers gently grasp his shirt. I close my eyes. I shouldn’t forgive him, not like this, not at all.
He’s hurt me, and he’s thrown me away every chance he’s gotten, but I don’t know what to do.
“If you want me to stop, then I will. I’ll leave you alone, and we can keep co-existing. But I don’t want you to leave.”
I open my eyes when his hands come up and cup my cheeks. “I can’t keep getting hurt. I can’t just keep giving myself to people who will never see my value, who just throw me away like I’m trash. And you can’t just run away every time you do something and regret it. You can’t just run over me and comeback and sweet-talk me with words and kisses. I…I want more than that. Ineedbetter than that,” I whisper.
“I don’t regret any of our kisses, Sloane, and I’m sorry for making you feel like I do. You’re right, you deserve better.”
“I don’t want you to stop, but…I don’t know how to do this, any of it.” I feel my cheeks heat.
“We can do it at your speed, whatever that looks like. I’ll stop running.”
“I’m scared.”
“Me too, baby. Me too.”
“I don’t want to be the girl I used to be. And the other night made me feel like her again.”
His jaw clenches, and his nostrils flare softly. But I don’t think the anger is directed at me.
“I’m sorry, and I know that those words don’t mean much. But I promise it was never my intention to leave. I panicked. I’ve never not been there when they call. I know that I probably broke whatever trust you had in me, but I’m really fucking sorry. I’ve been like this my whole life, and I know it’s not fair, but can you cut me a little slack? This has been my life for seventeen years. I can’t just break the habit overnight. You have no idea how bad I feel that I had to leave you.”
His words twist and force themselves into my mind. I know that he’s not trying to make me feel bad; he’s just trying to communicate. I suddenly feel so fucking stupid for being so selfish about something like this. Because he’s right. I can’t just expect him to change overnight. He’s a grown man with a real job, and I’m acting like a lunatic.
“You’re right, I’m sorry, too. I shouldn’t have run away this morning; I should have come down and talked to you. I’m not great with confrontation. It’s something I’ve always struggled with. I’m not good at explaining my feelings, and I’m not used to people wanting to hear what I have to say.”
He nods. “It’s ok, it’s just growing pains. We’ll get there.”
I nod and let out a breath, letting him take my hands in his. “I feel stupid now.”
“Why?”
“Because I overreacted.”
“You didn’t overreact, Sloane. We can’t always control our reactions. You’ve been treated poorly by the people in your life that you value, and it makes sense to shut down when you continue to get treated that way. I’m not mad at you, ok?”
He cups my face and brings our foreheads together. He kisses me softly, his lips molding all my broken pieces back together.
He picks me up and carries me up the stairs. “What are you doing?” I whisper as he carries me past my room and into his.
“Just lie with me. I don’t want anything more than that. I just don’t want to sleep alone tonight.”
He sets me on the bed and pulls his shirt off before climbing under the covers. I should run and never forgive him for what he did. Instead, I pull the covers back, and I crawl in next to him.
I lay against him, and I let myself fall asleep. Because, truthfully, I don’t want to be alone tonight, either.
