He doesn’t hesitate to lie on top of me, and his weight is so comforting on top of my body.
“I’m sorry,” I manage to croak.
“There’s nothing to be sorry for, you’re hurting, it’s ok to hurt. I just wish I had noticed sooner,” he whispers, kissing my cheeks and rolling off of me, pulling me on top of him. I let him throw me around like a rag doll, because honestly, I need to give up a little bit of control to someone safe.
“I know, but I feel bad. I made you cry,” I mumble.
“That’s because I care about you, baby. I don’t think you have any idea how scary last night was for me. I’m so glad that you are ok, and that you are still here with me. I’ve lost way too many people to their own heads, I don’t wanna lose you to. I can’t help if you don’t open up,” he whispers, kissing my temple, and I bury my face into the side of his neck and nod.
“I don’t know how to talk about it.”
I’d told him about what my mom said and how she was acting yesterday in the truck before we got home, and I’ve been locked in our room since we walked through the door.
“That’s ok, you don’t have to know. There’s no script for what you have to say or how you have to feel. It’s your feelings, it’s ok if they don’t make sense. If you wanna start small, we can, or if you just wanna lie here for awhile, we can do that too.”
I don’t say anything, and he doesn’t push me to. I want to talk to him, to tell him how I’m feeling, about everything, the good and the bad. But I’m scared that I’ll only push him away.
So I stay quiet for several long minutes so I can figure out what to say to him.
“It’sheavy.My brain, all the thoughts, all the expectations that I put on myself, the feelings of doubt, the imposter syndrome I face every single day. This new knowledge I have about Briar, and this Martin guy. I’m alone, with no friends, and I’ll probably never know what that feels like to have any.” I take a deep, shuddering breath. “I won’t ever know what it’s like to go to prom. I’ll never know what it’s like to sneak out in the middle of the night to go see my friends, or to see a boy. To go to a party, get so drunk, and giggle all the way home. I don’t know what it’s like to have sleepovers and to gossip, to have a female companion that I tell my crushes to, who will watch chick flicks with me, or will just sit in my room with me all day watching Loops, because watching them together is better than watching them alone. I’ll never know what it’s like to have a sister who does my hair on the night of homecoming, or a mom who takes me dress shopping. To have a dad who’s proud to call me his kid. I’ll never know what any of those things feel like, but you know what I do know?” My voice cracks, and the tears leak from my eyes and wet his shirt. He doesn’t say anything. I don’t even know if he can understand me at this point.
“I know what it’s like to cry myself to sleep every night because I was bullied all day at school. I do know what it’s like to hate the way I look, but have no motivation to better myself. I do know what it’s like to be called names and to be made fun of. I know what it’s like to be the punchline of every single joke, and what it’s like to hate myself so much that the only way to make it all stop is to physically hurt myself. I know what it’s like to want to die. I know what it’s like to stare blankly at myself in the mirror and just not feel anything. I know how it feels to stare at a bottle of pills and know if I take them, that no one will ever miss me, will probably not even realize that I’m gone, will never askwhere I went, and will never think about me ever again. I knew all those things by the time I was sixteen years old. I knew that the world would be a better place without me. And I know what it’s like to almost let those thoughts win, did you know that?” I whisper.
His grip on me tightens just a little bit, and I have to take a few breathes in order to calm myself down.
“I shouldn’t have cut myself, but in the moment, I was overwhelmed with the feeling of nothingness, and I needed to feel something, to remind myself that I’m human. That I bleed, and ache. My mind went dark that day, but not in the way you think. I didn’t want to kill myself, because for the first time in my life, I have someone who’s worth living for. You…you make the world a little less heavy, Beckett Hayes. I may have lost sixty pounds, moved away, and gained hundreds of thousands of supporters, but none of that makes me happy. I could lose that all tomorrow, and I would be ok, but you…God, if I lost you…I thought I knew what happiness was before Ireallymet you, but it turns out I never did. You are my happiness, you are my sunshine. You make me want to be a better person. I think I’m falling for you, and I don’t think that I can stop it.”
We both lay in the silence for several minutes, just letting my words sink in.
I feel a lot lighter now that I’ve said all of it, now that someone knows about the darkness and how I handle it. It’s not right, and I know that I need help. I probably should have never stopped seeing my therapist, and I realize that now.
“I’m pretty sure I’m already standing at the bottom of the cliff waiting to catch you when you do…” he whispers, brushing some hair out of my face and using his fingers to gently lift my chin so that I’m forced to look at him. “Because I’ve already fallen.”
He captures my lips in a soft kiss. For the first time in my life, I don’t have the urge to run. I’m exactly where I need to be. Beckett James Hayes is my home, and I’ve never been happier.
36
BECKETT
My mind is overwhelmed with so many things all at once that I’m not even sure how to process all the information that I’ve been given over the last few days.
Sloane is at the front of my mind all the time. I’m in a constant state of worry for her and her well-being.
I’m fucking angry. Angry mostly at myself for not seeing it earlier. But if she says that she’s safe to be alone, then I have to trust her.
I’m mad at Briar, at Monica, at the whole fucking world for failing her. But I’m selfish enough that I’m glad it all happened, because if it hadn’t, then I don’t think that she’d ever have crossed my path. While there are often times over the last few days, I find myself driving to the law firm in which Briar owns and just parking outside, because I know that if I go in there, I’ll probably end up behind bars for attempted manslaughter.
How could they do this to her?
I have no idea why he would be petty enough to not only take another man’s child, but to be selfish enough to not love her as one of his own. I’m angry at Monica for never standing up anddefending her. I’m angry at everyone who ever thought it was ok to hurt her.
I look at her, and I see my entire world. I don’t understand how everyone else doesn’t feel the same way.
She seems to be doing better, and while I haven’t exactly been honest with her about the Gideon case, she seems to have shifted her focus to finding any information that she can about her biological father.
“Ok, can you find anything about him? I hate to use your resources, butplease…” she says, pouting her lip out at me as we sit in my office at the house. She gives me puppy dog eyes, and I have no idea how I’m supposed to tell her no.
“Of course, baby,” I say. Her face lights up in a bright smile as we get to work on looking for whatever she is searching for.
