She takes a deep breath and suddenly becomes very serious, the change giving me whiplash.
She reaches into her purse and pulls an envelope out of it.
“What’s this?” I ask.
“I…we…Briar and I have been keeping a secret from you, your entire life.”
My heart starts beating faster, harder. I feel like it’s going to jump out of my chest.
The waitress couldn’t have worse timing, coming over with our food and setting it down in front of us. After she refills our drinks, my mom starts talking again.
“I’m not really sure how to say it, so I’m just going to come right out with it. When I got pregnant with you, I wasn’t sure if Briar was your father or not. I cheated on him around the time you were conceived, and thought nothing of it, because Briar and I also had a healthy sex life. We’d been trying for awhile.”
I can barely hear her. I feel like I’m underwater as she talks. All I can do is sit and blink.
“When I announced that I was pregnant and how far along, the guy that I’d had an affair with came knocking on the door. Briar opened, and you can only imagine what took place when the man demanded to see me, to know if the baby was his. I told them both that I had no idea whose baby it was, and that we’d just have to wait until you were born. His name was Martin, and he made it hell for Briar. And Briar made it hell for him. When you were born…” She chokes up on her words. I stare blankly at her. I can already feel myself dissociating from the situation, but she keeps talking anyway. “I knew that you weren’t Briar’s. I knew without a doubt you were Martin’s. You looked just like him, you still do.”
I feel my heart crack open, and I feel everything around me go quiet. I am not a Monroe. I have a different dad.I could’ve had a different life.
“There was no need for a DNA test; both men knew it. But Briar refused to give you up. He said that if Martin wanted you, he’d have to take me, too, and Martin didn’t want me. All he wanted was you, Sloaney. He said that he’d never say a thing to anyone. That he’d love and raise you as his own. I told Briar that maybe he should think about it. Told him that we could just tell everyone that we lost the baby during childbirth, but he was just so mad. He hated me, he hated Martin, but more…he hated you because you’d ruined his perfect facade. You were a stain on the otherwise perfect life he’d been growing. Martin was the first man that I’d ever had an affair with…” She’s sobbing now, reaching for my hand, which I don’t let her grab.
I could have had a family that loved me.
I can’t focus. I can’t blink. I can’t function. Everything seems to be shutting down inside my body, piece by piece.
“Briar told Martin that if he saw him again, he’d sue him and take him for everything he’s worth, and if he ever spoke of my infidelity to anyone, that he’d find himself in a grave. It took security dragging him out to get him out of the hospital. He didn’t want to give you up, Sloaney, but Briar, God…I’m not even sure what his intentions were, but I think he wanted you out of spite. The man ruined his life, so in turn, he was going to ruin his. I tried to talk to Briar, but he wouldn’t listen. I know that you got dealt the shitty hand. I know that we weren’t there for you like we could have. I tried—” I cut off her ramble, no longer wanting to hear another word about this. Because how fucking dare she say she tried.
“Where is he?”
“Who, sweetie?”
“Martin, where the fuck is Martin now?”
“Oh, sweetie…Martin is dead.”
My heart falls straight out of my chest and cracks all over the floor. I’ve never experienced so many emotions all at once. Whythe fuck would she be telling me all of this?Getting my hopes up, crushing them, and then steamrolling them.What did I do to deserve this?
“This is what he left for you. I haven’t opened it, and I don’t know what’s inside. All I know is that a lawyer brought it to me, looking for you, and said that it had to be given to you. Since you didn’t know about him, in Martin’s will, it says his dying wish was for his daughter to know the truth.”
I stare blankly at her for a long time, and for the first time, I have no feelings. I stare at this woman in front of me, and I feel absolutely nothing for her.
“I have to go,” I say, standing abruptly, and she shoves the envelope in my direction.
“Just take this. Process and get back to me…”
I take the envelope and pick up my bag, not even bothering with my food before turning on my heel and walking out of there as fast as I possibly can.
I’m somehow able to make it home before I have a full-blown anxiety attack. I curl into myself in Beckett’s bed and fall apart. Mocha curls up in my arms as my fingers tangle into his fur.
I don’t know how to describe the feeling, but it’s overwhelming. Instead of crying, I just lay there feeling nothing. I stare across the room, and I feel like I should feel the urge to do something. Maybe throw something, cry, scream, but I don’t. It’s like everything inside my brain has forgotten how to function, and the only thing that runs through my head on repeat is thatI could have had a family that loved me.Over, and over, and over. I just stare blankly, the envelope Monica gave me sitting unopened on the bed.
I could have lived a life full of love. Instead, I got stuck with a man who hated me for something that wasn’t my fault, and a woman who loved the man who hated me more than she loved me.
I don’t feel ok. I don’t think that I should be alone right now, but today is the first day that Beckett doesn’t have me stuck on him like a fucking leech. The thought of disturbing him makes me sick with guilt. He’s done so much for me the last few weeks; the least I can do is hold myself together until he gets home.
Only I can’t. I hate this feeling. The darkness that settles around me, the numbness that consumes me. I’ve only felt like this a few times in my life, and the last time was the night I was going to take my life.
I don’t have the urge to die right now, but I do need to feel something, anything at all.
