So, I ignore it. Ignore the want and desire. I try to push away the images as their likenesses merge—Ryan’s face instead of the mask, his openness and desire for a future along with the masked man’s raw dominance and power, combining together to form perfection.
Perfection I have dreamed of but will never achieve.
Never deserve.
No matter how hard I work. Straight A’s all through school, scholarships and first in my class for undergraduate and master's programs, the youngest PhD candidate in years. And I’m still not good enough. Underneath the girl who worked so hard to succeed and the girl who does everything her parents have ever asked, I’m still a monster.
And that’s the part I can never change.
Sweat runs down my spine as thoughts of him—the perfect man of my imagination—start to feel increasingly real. Until I can smell him. Practically taste him.
I’m losing my mind. I always knew the future would be unpredictable. I didn’t know if I would even have a future. But I never imagined this is how it would go. I’ve worked so hard to protect my mind from the potential of insanity within me. Years of therapy. Years of learning to tamp down the monster inside me and ignore the voice in my head telling me to do things I shouldn’t. Years of rejecting it and controlling everything.
And it’s all for nothing.
I drop to my knees as a sob chokes in my throat, and I bury my face in my hands. I can’t keep doing this. It was supposed to get easier. The control was meant to keep the voice and urges under wraps. But it’s only getting harder.
And then I hear it.
Heavy footfalls pounding the trail, coming toward me. It’s the middle of the night. I run this trail every month, and it’s always deserted. But the sound gets closer, and I spin in a crouched position. A man runs toward me, and even shrouded in darkness, his purpose is clear.
He’s runningatme. Let him. For once in my life, I won’t hide my strength. I rise to my full height as he approaches, and then I lunge. Barreling into his waist, I throw him to the ground with a resounding thud.
I should run. I could get away. But I don’t. He didn’t know what I was capable of when he came for me. He just saw a woman running alone and decided he wanted to take from her. I’m going to ensure that he doesn’t do it again. Not to me. Not to anyone.
I climb on top of him, straddling him, and press my hand into his throat. Fast. I can move so fast when I stop holding back. I wish I didn’t have to hide this all the time. But I do.
Except he’s fast too. And strong. So strong. He flips our positions and pins my arms above my head. The bottom half of his face is covered in fabric, and his hood shrouds the rest of his features in darkness, yet his eyes practically glow. Golden and piercing.
“Ah, ah, Kitten,” he growls. “Put the claws away.”
“It’s… you,” I sputter out, inhaling deeply, confirming it through his scent. His insanely enticing masculine cologne. Do I love it so much because it’s his, or is it just a coincidence? Is it even real? Am I manifesting the smell because I’m losing my mind?
“Who else would it be?”
I yank my hands from his hold and push him off me, harder than I should, but I’m pissed. “What the hell? I thought you were going to attack me! How did you find me?”
He rolls into a seated position and cocks his head. “You don’t feel it? The tug toward each other?”
I glare at him. As much as I want to submit to him sexually, and as much as I want to give him control, I need to feel safe to do so. Andnothingabout this is safe.
“I could have hurt you,” I snap back.
“You wouldn’t have.”
“You don’t know that. You don’t understand…”
“What if I do?” he says, leaning toward me. “What if I understand everything and you just need to stop pretending you don’t know what’s going on?”
I scrunch my eyes together as if I could just imagine that none of this is real. I need to get away from him. This cannot be happening. I can’t risk hurting him, and I can’t share the deepest, darkest part of me with him.
I can’t share that with anyone. Especially not someone who won’t even tell me his goddamn name.
I inhale slowly, but his smell floods my senses and does the opposite of what I need. Instead of grounding me, it lights a firein my core. My need for him takes over all rational thought, and that voice pushes against me, urging me toward him.
None of it makes sense.
Pain lances across my chest as though I’m being torn apart from the inside out. A whimper escapes my lips but then he’s touching my leg and the pain is gone. I need more than he can give me. I’m dangerous to him, and I can’t tell him.
