Allie had called me a few days ago, and we’d been playing phone tag. Until now. Okay, honestly, I’d been avoiding her until I could put it off no longer. I’d waited until the very last minute.
Allie had to suspect that I was upset, right?
I knew she was preoccupied with the last-minute preparations and excitement. Just like I knew I needed to tell her the truth about my relationship with Frasier, but I’d been dreading it.
Also, I was still hurt by what she’d said about the light going out of me. And while I wanted to gloss over it and just enjoy the wedding, I was a wreck. The closer we got to the actual trip, the more nervous I grew.
It was a good thing Allie was keeping me busy with all her color-coded spreadsheets. My sister’s “Bride Tribe” group chat had been blowing up this past week, and I had a feeling things would only continue to intensify as we approached the big day.
I loved Allie, and I would always be there for her. But I had to wonder…had I been this over the top before my wedding?
Honestly, I couldn’t remember. And part of me hated that I couldn’t remember. So much had happened since then. If I could go back in time, I’d tell myself to slow down, really take it all in.
Every moment with Derek. Every look and touch. I swallowed hard. All of it. Gone. Over far too soon. In the blink of an eye.
One night, I’d gone to bed happily married. The next morning, I’d woken up to my worst nightmare—my husband was dead.
It felt like I’d lived a lifetime since my wedding day, even though it had only been three years. At this point, I’d been a widow almost as long as I’d been a wife.
You can’t go back. You can only move forward.
It was something my therapist and I had discussed a lot. And yet, I often found myself wondering what I could’ve done differently. Wondering if I should’ve known. If I could’ve somehow changed the outcome.
It was a futile exercise; I knew that. But sometimes, I couldn’t seem to make myself stop. I often lay awake at night, imagining if I could’ve somehow saved Derek.
Everyone—even my fellow medical professionals—told me there was no way I could’ve known, nothing I could’ve done. But I was his wife, damn it. And I worked in the medical field. Shouldn’t I have realized something wasn’t right? Shouldn’t I have sensed it?
There was a knock at the back door, and my mood instantly lifted when I saw Frasier standing there, hand raised in greeting. Bacon and Biscuit trotted over, tails wagging, eager to greet him.
I didn’t know when it had happened, but slowly, Frasier and I had fallen into a bit of a routine the past year. Frasier would come over Thursday nights after practice. He’d work on a project. We’d eat dinner and watch a movie, and then he’d leavethe dogs with me since I had Fridays off. They’d stay with me through the weekend or any time he had an out-of-town game.
It was nice. Cozy.
Sometimes we talked—about Derek or the team, about my work, or whatever else was on our minds. Sometimes we didn’t. And that was okay too.
I beckoned Frasier inside, holding up my phone to signal that I was in the middle of a conversation. Frasier stepped inside, closing the door softly behind him. His baseball cap shadowed his eyes, making him look more dangerous than he was. His hair curled at the nape of his neck. It wasn’t as long as it had been, but he was still rocking the beard.
“And you packed everything for the bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner, and wedding?” Allie asked, reminding me that I was still on the phone with her.
“Yes. I promise. You have nothing to worry about,” I said in a tone I hoped was reassuring.
I knew Allie was stressed, and I knew we’d need to discuss my hurt feelings at some point. But for now, I wanted to keep the focus on her wedding. She deserved to enjoy this moment that she’d been looking forward to and planning for so long. It was a big reason why I was even hesitating to tell her the truth about Frasier and me. There could be a lot of drama around weddings, and I didn’t want to add to it.
“Okay. I just…” She sighed. “I really want everything to be perfect.”
Ah.To go back to a simpler time when everything was easy.
I’d never admit it, but I envied my sister sometimes. Or maybe I just missed the girl I used to be—naïve, so unaware of how painful life could be. But happy.
I sighed. I wanted to be happy again. Genuinely happy.
I’d catch glimpses of it every so often—former me. The one who was carefree and joyful. But it felt like trying on an old piece of clothing that was two sizes too small.
Frasier tapped my foot with his. And when I glanced up at him, he raised one brow as if to ask, “You good?”
I nodded, smiling at his uncanny ability to communicate without words.
Some people found him to be grumpy, territorial, and off-putting—hence the nickname, Bear, which he’d gotten in college. But to me, he’d always been more of a giant teddy bear. Protective, fiercely loyal. And he gave some of the best hugs. I’d definitely needed a lot of them over the past year and a half.
