“You’ve known Bryn since college. She’s always been a part of your life, but especially since…” He sighed. “Anyway, it’s understandable that something so tragic would bring you even closer together. And knowing Derek, I think he’d be grateful.”
“Grateful,” I spat. What a fucking joke.
“He would,” Gabe said, not backing down. “I think he’d be grateful that you’ve been there for Bryn. That someone he was so close to loves her.”
I heard him, but I wasn’t sure I agreed. At least not entirely. I knew Derek would appreciate everything I’d done to help Bryn. I knew he’d want her to be happy. I just… “Fuck.” I clenched and unclenched my fists at my sides. “Why is this so hard?”
“Grief sucks, man.” Gabe leaned back against the bench on his side. “It fucking sucks.”
“Yes, it does,” I echoed.
We were quiet after that, finishing out our remaining time in the sweat box before it was on to the showers. I might not agree with everything Gabe had said, but I was grateful for his support and his friendship. I resolved to be a better friend, and not just a better teammate, to him as well. I knew that I’d closed myself off after Derek’s death, and I knew that Gabe—like many of my teammates—had tried to be there for me.
I padded out to the stalls to grab my clothes and then stopped. Sometimes it still caught me off guard, seeing someone else’s name on the stall next to mine where Derek’s should’ve been.
The first skate, the first game, without him had been gut-wrenching. Even now, I still sometimes found it difficult to be at the rink without him. We’d shared so many memories together—both on and off the ice—and I felt closer to him at the rink than anywhere.
Gabe placed his hand on my shoulder, a silent show of support as we stared at where Derek’s name had been. Neither of us spoke of it again until we were headed out to the parking lot.
I thought about what Gabe had said. About Bryn. About Derek. There had been a period of time after Derek’s passing when I hadn’t been sure I could lace up my skates again and get on the ice. But then I’d think about how pissed Derek would be if he knew I’d stopped.
The fact that I kept playing the game we’d loved without him didn’t diminish the time we’d played together. Was it different? Yes. But he would’ve wanted me to continue playing.
And while my relationship with Bryn wasn’t comparable, the thought certainly gave me pause. Maybe there was something to what Gabe had said. Maybe my relationship with Bryn now—and the one I wanted to have with her going forward—didn’t have to take away from what they’d shared.
If losing Derek had taught me anything, it was that life was short. Don’t live with regrets. Even so, I was conflicted. I might not want to live with regrets, but I wondered what I’d regret more—pursuing Bryn and risking our friendship or always wondering.
Gabe seemed to have a plan for that, but I’d cut him off. And now that I’d calmed down some, I couldn’t stop wondering about what he’d been going to say.
“What did you mean earlier?” I asked Gabe, my mind circling back to our conversation. “About this being a ‘golden opportunity’?”
The corner of Gabe’s mouth tilted upward ever so slightly. “This is your chance to showBryn what it looks like to be more than friends. To show her exactly how you’d treat her if she were yours.”
“Ido,” I said, annoyed he didn’t see that.
Every day. Bryn was the first thing on my mind when I woke and the last when I went to sleep. We texted throughout the day. I brought her coffee at the hospital. I helped with stuff around the house.
“No.” Gabe’s tone was firm. “You do all the things a brother might do—take the car for repairs, fix things around the house.”
“I—” I opened my mouth to protest but then closed it.
Was that what Bryn thought? Was that how she saw me? As a brother? I cringed.
He pointed at me, a shit-eating grin splitting his face. “Now you’re getting it.”
“And you think the wedding is my chance to ‘show’ her?” I asked, using air quotes.
“Yes.” He nodded emphatically.
“I don’t know,” I hedged. All the same reasons for not pursuing her were still there. What if I ruined everything?
“Dude, it’s the perfect solution. Totally safe. If she’s not into it, apologize and say you got carried away with the vacation vibes or the romance of the wedding. But if she is…” He lifted his shoulder, a smirk on his face as if to say, “Well…”
It sounded great. In theory.
In reality, I had some major reservations.
“It feels…dishonest.”
