I nodded. It felt so strange to finally admit that aloud. It made it more real somehow.
“Oh my god,” she squealed. “That’s the best news! Or at least…” She dialed back some of her enthusiasm. “Ithink it’s the best news ever. But how do you feel?”
“How does it look like I feel?” The tears fell freely. “I’m a mess. Everything is happening so fast, and I’m happy, sad, scared, conflicted.”
“That’s understandable,” she said, scooting closer to wrap her arm around me. “Having a baby is a big deal.” She gave me a squeeze, and something in me eased.
“Yeah, but I can’t help but think about Derek. And how if he were alive, I’d be having this baby with him. Then I feel guiltybecause I love Frasier too. I love him so much. But I never would’ve realized that, never would’ve had this gift.” I cradled my stomach. “If Derek hadn’t died.”
“Oh, Brynnie.” Allie pulled me into a hug. She rubbed my back, comforting me until I’d calmed down a little. “That’s a lot that you’ve been holding on to.”
I nodded, letting her hold me. The fear was still there, the worry, but I felt better now that I’d told someone.
I’d been carrying this secret around for weeks. And while Frasier should’ve been the first person I’d told, I’d been trying to process all my complex feelings about the pregnancy. Because beneath it all, there was happiness. So much happiness. Shock, yes. But also, joy.
“Here.” Allie grabbed some tissues and handed them to me.
God, I’m such a mess.
After a muttered, “Thanks,” I blew my nose then leaned back against the couch cushions.
“Okay. Why don’t you break it down for me? Tell me what’s going on in your head.” She shifted on the couch. “But first, how are you feeling? Physically.”
I shrugged. “I’m exhausted all the time, but otherwise, I feel okay.”
“Are you and Frasier considering your options?” she asked, and I appreciated that she didn’t simply assume I was keeping the baby. Though, I was. “Or have you already decided what you want to do?”
“I’ve decided what I want to do, but…” I chewed on the inside of my cheek. “I sort of haven’t told Frasier yet?” It came out as more of a question.
“Haven’t told him what you want to do, or…” She trailed off.
“Haven’t even told him that I’m pregnant.” I cringed. “I’ve been low-key avoiding him for the past two weeks.” I said the last part in a rush, my cheeks heating with my admission. “Andhe might have asked me to move in with him.” I rolled my lips between my teeth. “But I asked him if I could think about it.”
“Ah.” She tilted her head back. “Suddenly, the gifts make a lot more sense.”
“They do?” I asked.
“He’s worried about you, and he wants to reassure you that he’s there for you.”
I frowned. And how would Allie know that, infer that, especially without seeing the notes from Frasier? I narrowed my eyes at her.
She bit her lip, a guilty expression on her face. “He might have texted me to ask how you were doing.”
“He did?” I didn’t know why I was surprised.
He’d been there for me every step of the way. When I was breaking, he’d held me together. When I’d wanted to reminisce, he’d joined me. And when I was happy, he was there, smiling along with me. Even now, after I’d put distance between us, he was still there for me. Still loving me.
“And…I might have glanced at one of his notes. Just in passing,” she rushed to add.
“Oh my god.” I grabbed a pillow and whacked her with it. “What are you? Twelve?”
She laughed, covering herself as if to shield her body from my attack. “Okay. Okay. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done it, but I was worried about you. You showed up tearful and exhausted, and I was afraid you’d broken up.”
“No.” I dropped the pillow to my lap, hugging it to me. “But he might break up with me once he realizes I’ve been keeping this huge secret from him.”
“Bryn,” Allie chided. “Frasier loves you. He’s not going to break up with you, especially not when he finds out you’re carrying his baby.”
“Still…” I frowned. “I should’ve told him. I was just so shocked at first.”
