And she wasn’t going to explain it to her now. What would that teach her? That it was okay to wait around and be someone’s secret? Anyone hearing her story would think she was a fool, and maybe on one level, she was, but the truth was that in the beginning their relationship had suited her too.
It was hard to pinpoint the moment that she should have stopped loving him. The moment when it flipped from being the thing that got her through the days to the thing that clouded all her days.
In the early years, when Ava was small, and he was off pursuing his acting career, their long-distance arrangement was the tiny burst of bliss at the end of every night. Ava would be curled up next to her in their single bed, and then the text would come in to make her smile.
Sometimes it was as simple as…I miss you.
Other times, he would be more upbeat.Hey gorgeous, hope your day was great. So much to tell you…
If he was in a different time zone, sometimes they’d chat for hours, more than they ever could if he was there in person. He’d tell her about every audition. Every performance. Every review and every missed cue. And she’d be in awe of his passion and his brilliance, because there he was, travelling the world, grabbing opportunities, making a life that was so different from the area they’d grown up in, and from the cold, tatty corridors of South Side High School.
Back then, she’d accepted that they couldn’t possibly have a full-on relationship at that point. How could that have worked? They didn’t even have anywhere that they could meet. She couldn’t afford her own place, and she was way down the council waiting list. Her mum worked every night in the pub, so there was no way Kiki could go out for drinks or dinners. And he couldn’t stay over here, because she shared a room with Ava. Even when he was back in town for a night or two, she’d let him in after Ava was asleep, and they’d lie on the couch together, but she’d always make sure he was gone by the time her mum came staggering in.
There had been no other option open to them, so she’d known that until she got herself set up in a new place, she’d have to be content with the long-distance thing. Besides, the thrill of their texts and FaceTime calls went a little way to making up for missing him so much that sometimes it physically ached.
But then… After her mum died five years ago, things changed. She’d saved up, made the flat so much nicer. She’d enlisted Ava’s help and together they’d painted every wall in a bright, shiny white. She’d found some lovely furniture on Facebook Marketplace and on the local free upcycle site. And yes, she’d had to carry it all up ten flights of stairs because the lift was broken, but it had been worth it to give them a place she was happy to come home to.
The only downside was that by this time, he only made it back to Glasgow a couple of times a year. The texts still came, but they were less frequent. And when she saw him on social media with other women… Well, what did she expect? She wasn’t free to travel with him, so, of course, he had to make a life wherever he was. And besides, he’d explained how so many things in that world were just manufactured for publicity.
She never complained, never told him how it made her feel, because that would risk losing him and the thought of having nothing in her life was worse than seeing him with someone else. So she’d put up with it. The last time she’d been with him was just before Christmas, when he’d been back in Glasgow for a show and Ava had been on a sleepover. He’d come over, spent the night, told her how much he missed her, how he still believed they’d be together one day and then… nothing.
The following day, she’d texted him. No reply.
The next day, the same.
A week later she got the final text: ‘Sorry, I can’t see you anymore.’
No explanation. No further contact. Just gone.
It was like she’d never existed. And every time that thought crossed her mind, she heard her mum’s voice again.
‘Never going to happen. You’re living in a fantasy world.None of this is real.’
Maybe her mother was right. Maybe the whole thing was just a bad dream that she’d wake up from. Or maybe she’d been naïve and gullible. Maybe tonight, she’d see him and know that there had never been anything genuine between them.
Or maybe he’d see her and realise that leaving her had been a mistake. Maybe she wouldn’t have to ask him for anything, wouldn’t have to leverage their relationship and resort to some kind of blackmail to get what she needed to support Ava.
Maybe there was still time for the one dream that Kiki had ever had to come true.
16
GINNY
Ginny came out of the theatre, blinking into the sunlight, wondering if her heart rate would ever return to normal. That had to have been the most exhilarating, most terrifying, most adrenaline-filled interlude of her life, and she was still reeling from the emotional bungee jump of it all.
Beeeeeeeeeep.
Her head was so distracted that she wasn’t even sure what she should do now.
Beeeeeeeeep.
She had to get to the Academy, but she had no idea where the closest bus stop was.
Beeeeeeeeep.
Sod it, she’d just get a taxi. She deserved to splash out.
Beeeeeeeep.
