“Right.” With an icy glare, she hops off the bed and starts gathering her clothes.
Shit.“Grace. I just, uh, I just meant I’m surprised you’re still here.”
Ignoring me, she pulls on her jeans and grabs her phone.
“Wait. Hold on a second. Just… just don’t go, all right?”
She’s heading towards my bedroom door. She’s going to leave. Because I did that thing again. Because I don’t know how to be better. How to stop being so pissed off all the time.
“See you, Decker,” she says as she breaches the boundary of my bedroom.
“Please, Grace.”
She pauses. I say that word again.Please.The game we play. First one to beg loses. And I think I’m begging, but I only lose if she walks out that door. I’m so tired of this. Being alone with nothing but nightmares to keep me company. Of my life, of what I’ve let it turn into. And this situation.Just sex.We agreed.It’s nothing.But maybe I’m tired of having to watch her leave every night.
“Please,” I say again. “Just… don’t. Okay? Don’t leave.”
“And why the hell shouldn’t I?” She folds her arms across her chest.
I rub the back of my neck and sigh. “I’m sorry, all right? I didn’t mean to say it that way. I’m not used to waking up beside someone. It threw me off. I was just surprised you stuck around. All I meant by it.”
Her expression only hardens. It’s not good enough. She wants an explanation, to understand where my head’s at. She wantsmorefrom me. But I’m not good at that part. I’m not good at being honest. How can I be? Half my week, I’m wearing thebadge and playing good guy, the other, I’m bumping shoulders with the very criminals that badge is meant to take down.
Most days, I straddle that line so tight I’ve got no fucking clue which side I’m actually on.
But I guess Grace already knows all that.
I clear my throat. “These… dreams I have. The nightmares. They’re really fucked-up. Sometimes when I wake from them, it takes me a second to… acclimate, I guess. I can be a bit?—”
“Of a dick?”
“I was gonna say prickly, but yeah, sure. A dick.”
“I can handle fucked-up, Linc. What I can’t handle is whoever the hell you just turned into. I don’t like the way you talk to me when you’re pissed off. I won’t put up with that shit. I can’t. Not again.”
“Right.” My breath rushes out of me. “Fuck-boy mode.”
A small smirk crawls up the side of her face, but it quickly vanishes, as if she’s caught herself before she can let me off the hook. “Yeah. And it seems to be your factory default.” Scowl still in place, she takes a few paces forward, shortening the distance between us. Still wary, still keeping me at arm’s length. “You… want to talk about it?”
“No. I don’t know.” I wipe the sweat from my brow and sigh. “It’s not something I like to put into words.”
“You told me once you don’t sleep. Is this why? Do you dream about her a lot?”
“Lately? Yeah. Almost every night.” My heart has slowed, my breath back to steady and even.
Her throat bobs. “You must still really love her.”
“No. I mean, yeah, of course. We started dating when we were fourteen. That’s a hell of a long time to be with someone. She was my best friend, you know? That kind of history doesn’t just go away. But her and I…” I let out another one of those big breaths. “We weren’t really good at the end. Not sure we wouldhave stuck it out. But I miss her. I hate that she’s dead. I hate that I have to look in the mirror everyday with that guilt. I hate… everything that was taken from me that day.”
Because she’s not the only thing I lost.
I don’t know why, but I want to tell her. Explain. I want her to know. I wantsomeoneto know. I need the guilt of it off my chest, the burden of it lifted from my shoulders. Just for tonight. Someone else to hold on to it for me.
Grace steps closer, brows knitting together, reaching out as if she’s about to touch me. But then she seems to think better of it and drops her hand. “I should… go.”
Fuck, please don’t.Please.
“Yeah,” I say slowly. “I guess you should.”
