“Oh, shush, you. I was referring to loving all my children the same.” She gives me a pointed look. “Even though most of the time you gave me a hard time. At this point, I’m not even sure which one of the three of you gave me more grays.” She rolls her eyes and turns to Jessica. “I’m telling you, people always say how hard it is when kids are little, but you just wait until they grow up, and your worries only grow along with them!”
Jessica chuckles softly. “That’s what my parents say as well.”
“See, us parents? We know.” Mom nods decisively. “And even though you’re all grown up, we need to make sure you’re okay for when we…” Her voice trails off for a moment, then she lets out a sigh and shakes her head before finishing. “For later.”
For later.
When she’s not here.
My throat is dry like a desert as I watch her chat with Jessica.
Is she getting worse? It’s too soon. She’s too young. She can’t die. Not yet.
My palms are sweaty, so I rub them against the sides of my legs, my head pounding.
Movement in my peripheral vision has me looking up just in time to see another nurse pop her head into the room.
“Hey, Jessica.” She smiles as she takes in the space, doing a double take when she spots me sitting here. “Hi there. I didn’t realize you had a visitor, Mrs. Williams. Do you mind if I steal Jessica for a moment?”
Mom shakes her head. “Not at all.” She pats Jessica on the arm. “You go and brighten somebody else’s day. Thank you for stopping by, my dear.”
“Anytime, Mrs. Williams,” Jessica smiles kindly at my mother, but that smile disappears the moment she turns to me. “Mr. Williams.”
Without another word, she walks out of the room, my gaze still glued to her retreating back.
“She’s a really nice girl,” Mom points out.
I hum softly as I force my attention away from the doorway, but she’s not giving up. “Do you have a girlfriend?”
“Seriously?”
She’s not even trying to be subtle about it, for fuck’s sake.
“What? Jessica is a very nice girl.”
A very nice girl who obviously hates my guts. Not that I bother pointing that out.
I run my hand through my hair. “We’re not talking about that.”
“A boyfriend, then?” Her innocently asked question has me choking slightly. “What? I might be old, but I know some boys like girls, and some like boys. It’s fine, I don’t mind it one way or the other. I’m just curious. Don’t worry, it’s not like I’ll remember much of it later on anyway.”
My whole body goes tense at her words. “Don’t say that. Don’t joke about it like…”
Mom quirks one of her brows, and suddenly she reminds me of how she was during my childhood. Of the sharp, no-nonsense woman she used to be.Before.
“It’s the truth, Matthew. I can either joke about it or I can cry about it. What I cannot do is change it.” She extends her hand, cradling my face. “I can only use what little time I have left. Use these moments when I’m myself to be the mother I should have been but couldn’t be.”
I swallow hard, but it’s like that knot is stuck in my throat, not budging in the slightest.
I don’t want to think about it. About Alzheimer’s. About the possibility of Mom being gone sooner rather than later.
Her finger slides over my cheek one last time before she lets her hand fall into her lap. “Okay, if you don’t want to talk about your relationship or lack thereof, tell me… How have you been doing? Are you staying with your brother at the house?”
I nod, grateful for the change of topic. “I’m in the cottage. Rose and Kyle finished moving into the main house with Chase a few days ago.”
“Did they?” Mom relaxes into her chair. “I guess that makes sense. They’re so sweet. So good for your brother. I’m glad to see you kids settled down. It gives me peace knowing you’ve found your people.”
That uneasy feeling is back, making my stomach churn, although I can’t pinpoint why exactly. Mom seems like herself, and there is cheerfulness in her voice as she talks a little bit more about Rose and Kyle, who apparently visited her recently, before telling me about all the things she does at the facility and her friends here. But after a while, I can see the strain my visit has taken on her; her words trailing off as she gets confused every so often.
