I heard about it earlier. The patients were taken to a bigger hospital so they could be thoroughly checked. There was even?—
“There was a kid inside the car. She couldn’t have been more than five or six.”
Shit.
I shift slightly, as much as our position allows me, so I can look him in the eyes. “Matthew, this isn’t your fault.”
He shakes his head, his lips pressed in a stubborn line. “It is my fault. I was so useless, so stuck in my head, that I froze up. It was just…”
Another shake of his head.
It hit too close to home.
He doesn’t have to say it for me to understand what he means.
“I heard there was a guy who got them out. Held the truck while they tried to get to the family.”
“Not before I froze first.”
Stubborn man.
I cradle his cheeks, forcing him to look at me. “You did what you had to. So what if you froze for a moment? We’re only human, Matthew. We’re allowed to be affected by the disasters we face. We’re allowed tofeel.Feel the pain, the terror, the desperation, the fear. If we don’t, if we lose that sliver of humanity, we’ll turn into machines. Feeling is what makes us good at this job. Feeling is what makes us push harder when everything else feels hopeless. It doesn’t make you weak.”
“Well, feeling sucks.”
“It certainly does,” I whisper softly, my gaze growing distant for a moment as I skim my thumb over his cheek. “Have you heard how they’re doing?”
Matthew nods. “Shaken. Bruised. Mom has a dislocated shoulder, but the kid is miraculously fine. They tried to avoid hitting a deer. That’s why she swerved, but she lost control of the truck, and it flipped. A blink. Just a blink of an eye, and your whole life changes forever.”
His eyes grow distant, almost as if he’s going back to the past. As if he’s remembering what happened to him.
Does he remember? It’s been so long, and he was young. So freaking young when his father died, but not too young notto remember. Still… a mind is a fickle thing when it comes to memories.
He blinks, his brown eyes meeting mine. “My mom’s not doing well.”
I bite the inside of my cheek, feeling for him. For his pain. There are few things worse than having to watch your loved one slowly wither in front of your eyes. Watching them become a shell of the person they used to be, and having them not remember you is certainly one of those things.
“I’m sorry, Matthew.”
“They say she doesn’t have long. It’s all my fault.”
My brows pull together as I shake my head. “She has Alzheimer’s. There is nothing you could have?—”
“I was the one who destroyed my family, Jessica,” he bites out. “My dad died because of me. Because I was an ungrateful brat. And losing him destroyed my mother. Destroyed our family. I should have died that day. Not him.Me.”
“Matthew…”
“It’s the truth. If I’d died, then none of this would have happened, and?—”
“You don’t know that.” I cut him off sharply, my grip on his cheeks tightening. “You can’t know what would have happened. Maybe there would have been another accident. Maybe your parents would have separated. Your mom having Alzheimer’s is not your fault. Life sucks, Matthew. There are no guarantees. You dying that day wouldn’t have changed anything with her diagnosis, and I’m damn sure that neither of your parents would have wanted that.”
“I hate this. I can’t lose her. I—” He sucks in a shaky breath. “It hurts.”
“I know.” I press my lips against the side of his neck. “I know.”
Resting my head against his chest, I hold him tight, offering him comfort in the only way I know how. Because in this moment, words are useless. There are no reassurances. No alternatives. No hope. There is only reality. And the outcome is going to be heartbreaking.
So, I do the only thing I can.
