I licked my lips and nodded. Ranger X’s implicit trust in my decision was something I’d never had before. I’d never been allowed to make decisions—to make bad choices and good choices and in-between choices. Most people ironed out that sort of thing as they tested boundaries in childhood and stretched their wings in college.
I’d marched to the beat of my parents’ rigid drumline and had hardly veered from the path. But that had led to a lack of confidence in my own ability to make decisions, and the idea that I could just choose something, and that people might actually be interested in my perspective, was novel and, quite frankly, alarming. But also validating. It gave me a sense of significance that I’d never felt before, like I meant more to this world than a doll dressed up in expensive clothes, floating along and trying to make a difference while being chained to my parents’ rigid ideals.
“Thank you all for your trust in me,” I said. “I’m just trying to help.”
I hoped Silas heard my words and that when, or if, I was able to make it to the underworld, he would replay this moment and see it as an apology. That he could forgive me for keeping my true plan a secret.
That as queen, this was a decision I needed to make in honor of all those who had trusted in me last night. I had to do what I thought was best for my court. I had to trust my own gut, my own decision making, my own ability to lead. If I made a mistake, if I made a grave error, at least I would know I had tried everything in my ability to do right by my people. My experience in making decisions for myself and having confidence in my own choice was new and flimsy, but if I didn’t trust my intuition now, it might be too late.
“I should be going now,” I said. “It’s almost dawn, and Seer Goddard will be up. Probably waiting for me. He seems to know what I need before I do.”
“I’ll walk you there,” Silas said. “X, I’ll meet you at Ranger HQ after.”
“I’ll be there too.” Lily pushed her mug of tea forward. “Dr. Lewis asked me to revise some of the potions I supplied him for the wards, so I’ll need to get those to him. That way if you do decide to test the new prototypes, Alessia, they’ll be ready for you.”
“Great, thank you,” I said. “I will find time to test the new ones. It will be more efficient if I can test them all in one big batch.”
Not to mention, I might not need to test them if I could find another way to keep the spirits off our island. I was counting on that to be the case, that the manufactured wards wouldn’t need to be used because there would be a different, more permanent solution.
With that, we parted ways. Liza agreed to stick around the castle where Millie and the stationed Rangers would be holding down the fort. I imagined Millie would maintain a constant flowof food and comforting beverages to all who floated in and out of the castle, providing us with a sense of stability and hominess in a time of upset and uncertainty.
We were halfway to Seer Goddard’s now-familiar hut at the top of the rolling hills on the northeast side of The Isle when Silas spoke.
“Couldn’t sleep?” he asked softly. “More nightmares?”
“Yes. Liza had them too.”
Silas absorbed this information. “Are they dangerous, your dreams?”
“I don’t think so. I think you’re partially right, that they are just nightmares. I’m not sure if they’re trying to tell us something, or if it’s just a general warning and sense of foreboding, but I’m trying to pay attention to them in case.”
“Smart. I’m sorry if I doubted you.”
“You didn’t doubt me.” I slipped my hand in his. “We’re all trying to figure this out, myself included. I was really hoping they were just plain nightmares. Maybe they are. But I need to be cautious, just in case, especially since Liza is getting them too.”
“She looks up to you. She really cares about you.”
“I care about her too.” I smiled up at Silas. “I invited her to stay at the castle as long as she needs to with us.”
“Good idea.” He squeezed my hand. “She’s a great kid.”
We strode in silence for a few more moments. I wanted to speak more freely to him, but I felt tense and unprepared for small talk. My brain was already rolling ten steps ahead as I worried about what I’d say to Seer Goddard upon our arrival.
“I want you to know that I trust you.” Silas’s voice was a silent rumble, the sound of tectonic plates shifting beneath the earth’s surface. “Whatever you’re keeping from me, it’s okay.”
My head swiveled to look up at him. “How do you—what?”
Silas gave a wry smile. “You’re my mate, Alessia. I can feel you through our bond. Not to mention, I love you, and Ican tell when you’re bothered and distracted by old-fashioned techniques.”
When I remained quiet, my face obviously confused, he gave a dry laugh.
“You’re quiet, you’re distracted. I know you and Liza were likely discussing spirit things that I won’t pretend to comprehend.” Silas shrugged. “I understand that as queen, there may be things you can’t tell me. I want you to know I understand that, and I trust you.”
“I hate not telling you things,” I said. “I would only keep quiet if it was of grave importance. If it was a matter of life or death for many people. I trust you, Silas, and I love you. If I’m holding something back, it’s not for any reason other than out of necessity in my role as queen.”
I expected Silas to have some sort of comeback, even a kind one, about how I could trust him implicitly. And if I did trust him implicitly, as I’d just said, then why couldn’t I share everything with him?
But he didn’t come back with any of those arguments. He didn’t come back with anything at all except to say: “I love you too, Alessia.”
