“Those were bullets,” he says.
I take a deep breath and pet his hair again.
“I can’t lose you, Roman. Ican’t.”
“I know,” I say. I’ve thought a lot about our argument the other day, when he said he’d go with me, when we talked around a subject that I still don’t know how to really think about, not directly.
There’s so much I don’t know how to think about. My hands get shaky. I settle them on his shoulders. He puts his hands over mine.
I catch movement in the mirror and look up to see Quinn walk into the gym. He halts at the sight of me and Lucas, like he thinks he shouldn’t interrupt. But when Lucas calls out, “Hi, Quinn,” he lifts his hand in greeting and goes to the treadmills.
Lucas is so good at seeing what other people need. I pet his hair again then return to my bench.
When Quinn is done with his warmup, he comes over and starts loading the leg press. I like Quinn, and I can’t stop thinking about my realization the otherday that we wouldn’t have gotten along in the past. It bothers me.
A lot of things bother me, I’m starting to realize. I can’t get clarity. Everything is too jumbled.
Quinn says, “So I have an idea for you guys. If you’re interested.”
“An idea?” Lucas asks.
“Yeah, so. Um …” Quinn loads another plate. “I’m not using my room anymore. So I thought maybe you guys might want it. I mean, there are other rooms if you prefer, but I feel like you’d like that room for the same reasons I do.”
Lucas looks startled. “Wow. Huh. I hadn’t thought about …” He trails off and looks at me, his thoughts redirecting. “Roman, are you wanting a different room?”
The way Quinn’s eyes flick to me in the mirror tells me that Vitali relayed to him something of our conversation. It makes me uncomfortable to think about them discussing it, but at the same time it means that Vitali heard what I said. He understood. He worked out a solution.
Lucas is waiting for my answer. For some reason, I find it hard to give. “I … No, I don’t like our room.”
Lucas frowns. “You never told me that. We could’ve moved ages ago. God, Roman, you should’ve told me.”
“I thought I would get over it. But I just … didn’t.”
“You don’t have to get over something like that,” Lucas says sharply, almost snapping. “We could’ve moved. We can makes changes, Roman.”
Lucas rarely gets like this with me. I don’t quite know what to do, so I deal with Quinn instead. I ask, “Are you sure about giving up your room?”
Quinn says, “Vitali will never move down there, and I …” Quinn gets visibly uncomfortable, but he admits, “I do better with him. I feel better. So yeah. I’m sure.”
Lucas looks at me. “Roman?” His voice is softer. I can tell there’s effort in it, so I make an effort too.
“Yes,” I say. “That’d be … really nice.”
THIRTEEN
Lucas
It’s mostly my things that we move into the new room. When we were packing up, I saw what I wish I’d seen months ago. Roman is very bothered by all of his possessions from his life before. I said to leave everything but a few essentials, that we could replace it all with new things. He seemed surprised by the idea, but then he seemed relieved.
It’s made me think a lot, and there’s something I need to talk to him about.
He carries a box of my shoes into the room and shuts the door. I’m at the counter making coffee. I love this room already. It’s like a little apartment with its kitchenette and private patio.
I can see why Quinn liked it, but I can also see that he is indeed doing better with Vitali. He’s happier. He’s … lighter.
I want that for me and Roman. It’s not that we’re unhappy. Things are just so heavy sometimes.
“Is that the last box?” I ask.
