“I’m sorry,” he says. “I know I shouldn’t but?—”
“Don’t say that. You know I’m always here for you, whatever you need.”
“Just tonight,” he whispers.
“I’ve got you.”
His arms wrap around my waist and nuzzles his face into my chest. “Say it again?”
Relief hits me so hard I almost choke on the words.
And then the guilt follows, thicker than ever. Suffocating.
I did this. I caused this.
I got people hurt.
And still—still—some broken, awful part of me is grateful for the weight of him, for the way his body melts into mine without a thought.
After all these months, he still fits perfectly.
I press my nose into his hair and close my eyes. I breathe a deep sigh and hug my arms around him, like I might be able to keep him there forever.
I don’t deserve this.
I don’t deserve him.
And I don’t know how much longer I can pretend that loving him hasn’t turned me into something toxic.
Bright light filters in around the edges of the curtains. It’s pleasantly warm in the large bed, with Ari snuggled up against me, and I hug him tighter against my body before my eyes shoot open.
We’re lying on our sides facing each other, his face against my throat, head resting on my shoulder. He’s got one arm thrown around my middle, and I’m holding him around the waist. Our legs are tangled together, one of my thighs pressed between his, his top leg hiked up over my hip. The sheets are tangled around us, much in part to Ari’s typical restless movements throughout the night. It’s not an uncommon position for us to wake up in. Nor is Ari’s state of undress, given his habit of stripping down to his underwear in his sleep. The oversized t-shirt he was wearing when he crawled into bed with me is nowhere to be found, so he’s in nothing but a pair of baby blue low-rise briefs.
My awareness of him is a pulsing heat in my veins, one I can’t deny even though I know there’s nothing okay about this.
Not just because it’s him, not just because I already had my chance to pursue something between us and didn’t take it. Noteven because the back and forth isn’t fair to him. But because of what I did to earn having him in my arms again.
Maybe if we’d gotten here through chance. If it hadn’t been me who caused the circumstances that led us here. Maybe then I could press into him the way he’s pressing into me, reciprocate the arch of his body and the sleepy way he nuzzles into me. His open mouth presses to my collar and I groan.
I want nothing more than to roll myself on top of him, to burrow my face in his neck and breathe him in, to taste his skin while I press his body into the mattress with mine. To meet the movement of his body, to writhe against him, to wake him up with the kind of pleasure I want so badly to give him and take in return.
The heavy feeling in my gut won’t allow it. I’m a shit person who has done shit things in the name of keeping Ari to myself, but even my twisted mind can’t rationalize taking advantage right now. Not like this. Not when he has no idea what I did to get him here.
Gently extricating myself from the tangle of sheets and limbs, I sneak off for a cold shower and harsh conversation with my dick about boundaries.
SIXTEEN
ARI
The massive penthouse feels too small for the number of people crammed into it. The entire styling team is here for our last fitting for theRolling Stoneshoot. Assistants are bustling around with racks of clothes, garment steamers, and coffee carts. Makeup artists are on standby to test the looks Myra, our lead stylist, has planned.
It’s chaos.
We’re all pretty used to this by now, but this time it’s different. Jesse is missing in action. Considering he’s the star of the show and has a rather complicated pair of pants he basically needs to be sewn into, his absence is notable. Add that no one has heard from him since Sunday morning, and some of us are starting to get worried.
Naz is the only one who doesn’t seem as concerned as the rest of us, but even he’s cutting his eyes at the door or checking his phone every few minutes.
It’s not like Jesse to be missing in action for band business. At least not anymore. There were days when he’d miss theoccasional phone call or appointment during his heavier party days, but he’s been nothing but punctual since the new tour started.
