“I’m going to take a shower,” I announce abruptly. “And then meet Caty at the library.”
Cade blinks. “On a Sunday morning?”
“Yes,” I snap, unfairly annoyed. “Some of us have grades to worry about.”
My two best friends exchange another worried look as I slam the door behind me.
I don’t go to the library, but I do head straight to Caty. She’s the only person I have to talk all this mess out with. I have thedecency to text her on my way this time, so she’s ready for me. She greets me at the door with an iced coffee and a look she reserves just for my particular brand of bullshit.
She hands me the coffee and gestures for me to come inside, plopping down in the middle of what looks like the makings of a conspiracy theorist’s manifesto, but I know are her study notes. She’s a visual learner, so she tends to write out her notes on cards and stick them to the wall. “Alright, spill it. What did you do?”
I drop into the chair that faces her small sofa. “Okay, so, don’t laugh.”
“I will absolutely take your request into consideration and give it the level of effort it deserves. Go on.”
I tell her everything, starting with last night’s meet up and ending with my embarrassing reaction to his words in the courtyard. I don’t give her all the filthy details, much to her dismay. I don’t think I could stomach it. Instead, I give her enough detail that she has a basic understanding of my pain.
She listens thoughtfully. Her eyes widen and then soften, then widen again at various parts of my sordid tale. By the time I’m done with my embarrassing ramble, she’s fixed a flat, neutral expression on her face. I think of it as the face an older sibling might give their errant younger brother when they’re beyond exasperated but trying not to show it.
“First,” she says, pointing a green highlighter at me like it’s a dagger, “you do need to open your mind a little. He’s right about that.”
“I’m open-minded,” I grumble.
“Maybe when it comes to other people, but even then I think you’re a little naïve. Being into one thing or another says nothing about the type of person they are. There are plenty of big, strong, manly leaders of the world that like to crawl around on all fours and get their dick squished by a dominant half their size and pay grade.”
My eyes blink several times. “What?” I can’t even tell if she’s serious.
“The people that give into their kinks and comforts are probably stronger for it,” she says matter-of-factly. “As long as your kinks don’t involve hurting someone against their will, there’s nothing wrong with it and it doesn’t change who or what you are.”
“I don’t have kinks,” I say too quickly, then amend my statement. ”At least I don’t think I do.”Also a lie and you know it, Beck.
“You’re allowed to be curious, Beck,” she says, because she knows I’m a liar. “And if you’re curious about Brody and his list of fun things to try, maybe you should give in a little and experiment.”
Am I curious about Brody, or is it what Brody has to offer?
“I’m not sure what I’m feeling is curiosity,” I mutter. “Not exactly. It’s just—I don’t know. Easier.”
“What is?”
I swallow. Hard.
“All of it. It’s the way he talks to me. Like he’s compelling me, making me do stuff.” My face heats. This is humiliating, even to myself. “Because then… whether I’m curious or not, it’s like the choice is taken out of my hands.”
She softens. “Oh, honey. Itisyour choice. Always. If he does anything you don’t want, you tell him to stop, and if he doesn’t?—”
“You’ll fuck him up?”
“Don’t underestimate me because I’m smaller than you,” she says, pointing the sharp end of a talon-like nail at me. “I’ll absolutely fuck someone up. But if youlikeit, then go with it. Tell yourself whatever story you need to make it all fit into your square narrative. Just don’t lie to yourself about it being your choice. I don’t think that’s healthy.”
“He gave me a safe word,” I assure her. “And I’m not square,” I say defensively.
She bursts into laughter. “You are the squarest person alive.”
“I’ve done stuff with guys,” I blurt.
She scoffs. “Because being anything other than straight is promiscuous?“
“I didn’t say that.”
