“I’m not going to kiss and tell, Shawna. I’m a gentleman.”
She barks out a laugh so loud it almost drowns the music out. “You? Puh-lease. But fine. You just have to answer one thing…” My best friend leans in, eyes gleaming with mischief. “Is it good?”
“Is what good?”
Shawna swats me with the kitchen towel. “Oh my God, I’ve never seen you blush that hard.” She collapses sideways onto the couch cushions, kicking her feet like she’s won the lottery. “That’s an emphatic yes if I’ve ever seen one.”
“Shut up,” I groan.
Shawna continues snickering to herself while on screen, the band finishes their song. Jesse is bent over his guitar, sweat dripping from his hair, chest heaving.
“So are you going to come out?” Shawna asks in a quiet, surprisingly serious tone.
“I’m not in.”
“You know what I mean.”
I sigh. The halo of lights on the TV cuts to a closeup of Jesse’s hand sliding down the neck of his guitar in a way that sends shivers down my spine like I’ve been touched by a ghost. My chest tightens with the weight of what Shawna’s asking.
“You hate publicity,” she says gently, straightening the hem of her oversized Colgate toothpaste t-shirt. The big red letters stretch across her chest, obnoxious as hell against the teal leggings she paired it with.
I give her a long side-eye.
“What?” she says innocently. “I’m just making a point. Keeping a relationship between the two of you, a massive superstar and a famous NFL player–”
“–I’m not famous.”
Shawna gives me a highly unimpressed stare. “Okay, smiley. Sure. Maybe you weren’t, but even before you dazzled everyone with your thousand-watt killer smile of sweet babydoll shyness, you couldn’t have escaped public scrutiny if you were dating that guy.” She points to Jesse on the screen, playing an electric guitar and looking like the sex god he is. “And here I thoughtyou were always chasing anormal life–whatever the fuck that is.”
“Normal doesn’t exist in my world, Shawna, you know that. I mean, look at your stupid shirt, for fuck’s sake. Dad’s got a lifetime supply of toothpaste stacked in my old room like some kind of doomsday prepper. That’s not normal. And even if I wasn’t in love with a rock god, it’s not like I could have a normal relationship anyway.”
Shawna’s nose twitches, the only indication that she caught my little slip-up. She ignores it for now. “Why not?”
“Well, for starters, I’ve never wanted one before. I’ve never wanted anyone before. Certainly not like this. Even if lightning struck twice or Jesse wasn’t a superstar, it couldn’t work, because then everything I’ve done, everything I’ve accomplished, will all be reduced to my sexuality.”
“Maybe if more people came out publicly, or even just started living their lives without ever making a public statement, it would start mattering less,” she points out. It’s a good point, but I don’t think I’m the guy to step up and be anyone’s poster boy.
“Isn’t there an out player on Carolina’s team?” Shawna pulls out her phone and starts to type.
I wrack my brain. “I don’t remember. I don’t pay attention to players’ personal details, just their game footage.”
“Jack Perry!” She announces.
“Wide receiver.”
Shawna snorts.
“Really?” I deadpan.
“What? It’s funny and you know it.”
I refuse to give her the satisfaction.
She squints down at her phone. “But yeah. Apparently it was a big deal when it first came out, mostly because there was some drama involved. But he didn’t bother with the trolls and did his job well. Now no one gives a fuck, and he’s happily married to some big-shot sports agent.”
“Good for him,” I say. And I mean it. I wish I could do it. But all I can hear is–
“You know what your problem is, right?” She doesn’t wait for me to answer, probably because she knows the answer. Her nosey ass always has to be right about shit. “You’re too much like your dad. And you know I love me some Daddy Lucius, but he’s got a few outdated ideas that I think you take too much stock in.”
