“Yeah, obviously.” I sure as hell didn’t want to be in charge.
“Do you want me to undress more?” She was wearing one of my Cane Ridge High School football department shirts. It came down to her thighs, and she wasn’t wearing anything underneath. “You can touch my boobs or whatever if you need to.” Shawna was so serious and to-the-point that it was endearing.
“Let’s see how it goes like this, and if it escalates, it escalates.” I’d watched porn before. And it got me hard, but I didn’t really see how Shawna being naked, and likely less comfortable because of it, would help either of us.
Shawna nodded and walked over to where I was sitting on the couch. “Just… Stay still.” She climbed onto my lap, straddling me. “Um, so, hold it still, and I’ll do the rest?”
“Okay,” I said, but before anything could happen, I grabbed her hand. “Shawna. You’re my best friend and the only person I would allow myself to feel this incredibly awkward with. Don’t be afraid to do whatever you want to do, or stop, or do something you think might be embarrassing. It’s just you and me here.”
Those would be words she’d repeat to me the morning after my night with Jesse. When she found me sitting outside, staring at the spot around the fire where we’d kissed, she sat next to me and held my hand.
“You’re my best friend and the only person I allow myself to be honest with, because you’re my person. Don’t be afraid to cry and then tell me whatever you’re going through. It’s just you and me here.”
In the end, neither of us got off. Shawna didn’t disgust me by any means. She was gorgeous and smart and amazing. Hell, sometimes I wished Icouldfeel that way about her so we could just go through this life together, always. I could even say she was objectively hot. It just wasn’t like that. Never has been. Never will be.
“You know, usually when someone has a super hot friend that they’re best friends with, they’re either secretly in love with them or one of them is gay.”
Our end of the table erupts in argument. To his credit, I don’t think Will meant it with any malice, but we have a standing rule about ‘phobic language, and that edged the line. Joking about someone being gay or calling someone gay used to happen all too often in the locker room, as it sometimes does when a bunch of macho athletes get together to prove their masculinity is more toxic than the others. I grew up with two sisters and Shawna for a best friend, so a lot of the typical locker room bullshit didn’t sit right with me. In this case, it was Dez Carter who put a stop to it. A slur got thrown out, and he turned white as a sheet right before he snapped and said he’d had enough. He came out as bisexual to all of us, and said if anyone had any problems with that, they could say it to his face.
No one did. A few guys apologized. A couple kept more to themselves and seemed uncomfortable around him in the locker rooms and showers, but the rest of us rolled our eyes and told them to get their heads out of their asses enough that they eventually relaxed. There’s only one guy left on the team I’m not really sure about, but he doesn’t cause any problems.
I don’t want to lie about my sexuality, because that gives the impression that I’m ashamed or embarrassed. I’m not at all. Coming out to my teammates wouldn’t be a big deal. My issue is solely about my privacy. I don’t want a bunch of publicity, and for some reason, the public is obsessed with the shock of finding out that a professional football player could be anything other than straight.
I’m not even sure gay is the right label. I think I’m as attracted to women as I am to men. Which is to say that I’m not, really. Ican see someone and appreciate their attractiveness, but I don’t want to sleep with any of them.
I just want Jesse. He’s the only person who’s ever made me feel like this. I can’t think of another man or woman I’ve wanted or even noticed. I’ve just floated through life, oblivious to everyone, until there he was. Jesse is who I want, and Jesse is a man, so I think using the label is probably fine. It’s easier than explaining myself.
“So what if I am?”
Everyone who heard me freezes. Then, slowly, one by one, each person at the table notices that the person next to them has gone quiet, and they do the same. Once again, everyone is staring at me. Damn it.
I look at Will first, since he was the one to bring it up. He shrugs. “Okay. I didn’t mean anything bad by it,” he assures me.
“I know.”
A few seats down, Dante Briggs whispers to Treyden. “What’s happening?”
“Martín is gay.”
“Oh, word.” Then he goes back to whatever conversation he was having, and eventually the room goes back to normal.
I feel AJ staring at me. When I turn my head towards him, he’s grinning ear to ear.
“What?”
“I’m proud of you, man. Good for you.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“I figured it out a while ago, I was just waiting for you to get comfortable to share.” He pats me on the back reassuringly.
“How the hell?” Unless he’s been snooping through my phone in the past month, I don’t see how that’s possible.
“Sonya told me about what happened with Ava.” He says, eyebrows raised. “I figured you gotta be super gay because that girl in lingerie? She’s so hot, dude."
I smack him on the back of his head. “Ouch! What was that for? I didn’t tell anybody, did I?”
“I wasn’t hiding it, it just didn’t come up. It’s nobody’s business and the last thing I need is my name in the news and a qualifier attached to my stats. I don’t want any of my private business out there.”
