“You really want a list?”
“Read me your injury report, Mr. Safety.”
He huffs a laugh. “Points for knowing what position I play, but it’s called that because I’m the last line of defense. I’m not the team nurse or anything.”
“I know that.”Sort of.“Quit deflecting.”
“Well, there’s the obvious aches and pains from a certain overzealous rockstar keeping me busy for the last two days.” I smirk, pleased with myself. “Bit of a headache and overall tiredness, but I can’t tell if I’m coming down with something or just feeling…Weird.”
“Weird how?” I know how, but I need to hear him say it. I need to hear him say he feels even a fraction of the loss I do, like phantom limb syndrome, there’s an ache in an empty space.
Hmm… I open my notebook again and quickly jot down a thought.
You’re my phantom limb, I can’t cut clean
Ache in an empty space, I can’t breathe
Whole on the outside, wrecked underneath
I still feel you moving inside me.
“I feel like something has shifted,” he says. “In my brain, or maybe something deeper. I can’t name it.”
It’s love, baby. It’s love.
“I miss you,” is what I say out loud.
Luc lets out a heavy breath. “I miss you too. And I’m sorry about this morning. I didn’t mean to cause any issues with your manager.”
“You didn’t.”
“I did. I heard you arguing on the balcony.”
I sigh heavily. “Did you hear what we were saying?”
“No, but considering how sincerely Blake apologized to me, I know you talked to him.”
“I did. I was pissed. It wasn’t okay for him to treat you like that. There’s no excuse, but it’s my fault he reacted like that.”
“How was it your fault? I get that you missed some calls, but he shouldn’t treat you like that.”
“Me? He was upset with me for a good reason, that was fine. I’m talking about how he treatedyou.”
“That was… whatever. I’m fine.”
“You’re not. Or at least you weren’t. I feel like I need to explain, at the risk of pushing you farther away.”
“I don’t need to know all your private business, Jesse.”
“I want you to know the real me, Luc. Even the ugly parts. And I have a lot of ugly parts. I told you about rehab. It was Blake who got me there. He came into our lives when I was at my worst and helped me. I might not be here at all if it weren’t for him.”
Blake didn’t just help me wean off the pills, he made sure I got the help I needed. He was the one who found out our old manager was paying off multiple doctors to write me prescriptions. The dosages were too high and too frequent. There were pills to wake me up, pills to make me sleep, pills to treat the headaches, anxiety, and restlessness that the other pills were causing. Add partying like a literal rockstar, and I was on a dangerous path.
Telling Luc all of this is both terrifying and incredibly freeing. If he can accept me as I am, then every ounce of effort I put into this relationship is worth it. And if he can’t, it’s better to know now.
“I didn’t tell anyone other than Cory and Tad that you were coming, so he had no idea you weren’t just some random guy I’d met on a bender. He was worried that I’d relapsed.”
Luc is quiet the whole time I’m talking, which makes me ramble more. Eventually, I cut myself off, afraid that he’s trying to find a way to tell me I’m not good enough for him. I know I’m not, but I’m also trying to be better every day. I want to be good enough. And I want him.
