I think my nerves have more to do with the emotional effect of whatever is budding between us. I’m not sure I could handle waking up to an empty bed again after opening myself up this much.
Yeah, he said he wants us to date, even if that means he has to hide his relationship. But what does that mean? And what do I have a right to ask for? It’s bad enough to expect him to basically closet himself to be with me. Is it fair to expect exclusivity when our schedules will make it impossible for us to see each other often?
Not to mention that he’s Jesse fucking Moore. He’s one of the sexiest men on earth and a goddamn rock god.But, oh hey, I’m basically in love with you even though I barely know you, based purely on the memory of one night years ago, and a single date turned weekend together, so could you keep it in your pants. For me?
Yeah right.
I know that the media and tabloids lie or grossly exaggerate what they report on celebrities. The story about the coverage of his father’s death was heartbreaking. No one should have their lives under a microscope like that, and then over-inflated for the world to pick apart.
He is a rockstar though, and he’s admitted to living a rockstar life. It seems like he’s calmed down a lot since getting sober, and that’s encouraging, but if he’s given up drugs and alcohol and nearly every other vice, how could I ask him to give up sex,too? It’d be one thing if I were around to give it to him, but I won’t be. We’ll be lucky to see each other once a month during game season and when he’s on tour. They’re at the peak of their career, too, with no signs of slowing down.
Who am I to ask him to give up anything? Especially if it might bring him happiness or comfort.
If anything, it’s too soon to expect anything from each other.
I know myself, and I know that if we cross this line, I’ll latch on harder than I ever have.
Then again, it might be too late. I think I was screwed the first time we had a real conversation. And every time we touch, it’s… I don’t know what it is. I’ve never felt like this before, with anyone. Even when I’ve found other people attractive here and there, it didn’t work. There wasn’t anything real between us, and I simply cannot perform on command, socially or sexually.
I’ll never forget the blind date AJ set me up with once. It was a good friend of the girl he was dating at the time, and he begged me to go on this double date. She was objectively extremely hot. She was a brand ambassador for some celebrity line of makeup products or something like that, and she was legitimately a kind person. I let it drag on for over a month, simply because I felt bad, and AJ’s girlfriend was way too invested. I knew he wanted to make her happy, so I just went along with it. On our last date, she surprised me and came to my house. I was confused when the doorman had called up to tell me I had a visitor. AJ, that fucking bonehead, had given her my address because he thought I’d like to be surprised by the beautiful girl I supposedly liked. And a surprise it was. She walked in wearing a white wrap dress and matching strappy heels, and soon after I let her inside, she unwrapped and dropped the dress to the floor. She was wearinga white lace teddy and garters. She was an utter fucking angel and looked like a lingerie model. But when she walked over to me, my stomach dropped with every click of her heels on the hardwood floor. Even with her heels, I had to bend down to let her kiss me. And I did let her. I had let her before. I felt too bad not to, and I kept hoping something would change, that I’d grow to like her in more than a friendly way.
When I didn’t get hard, even when she pressed into me and stroked me over my athletic pants, she seemed concerned at first, but when she looked up into my eyes, the concern turned to sadness. Tears welled up in her pretty amber eyes. She could tell that I was a lost cause. I didn’t know how to tell her it wasn’t anything to do with her. The whole “it’s not you, it’s me” thing didn’t help.
I realized too late that I shouldn’t have led her on out of concern for hurting her feelings.
She left my place in tears, and that doorman hasn’t treated me the same since. I’m sure he thinks I was mean to her. Maybe I was. I tried to be direct, but gentle. Turns out I’m shit at explaining myself.
Maybe I’m missing whatever biological or neurological component that makes you connect with other people on a deeper level. It’s just not in my nature to open myself up to other people. There are few people in my life that I’ve felt truly close to, and aside from Shawna, they’re all related to me.
And then there’s Jesse. It doesn’t make sense how connected I feel to him. Even with Shawna, it took until the sixth grade for me to warm up to her. I took one look at Jesse and swooned like some kind of cartoon damsel falling in love at first sight. I can feel the fucking hearts in my eyes when I let my guard down.Luckily, he’s probably used to people looking at him like that and probably doesn’t notice. I mean, not only is he famous, but he’s gorgeous, and has this effervescent quality about him. He doesn’t just light up a room, he outshines the stadium lights he performs under night after night. He's extraordinary.
How can someone–especially someone so different from me, with this big, public life that I wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot pole–burrow so fully into me with zero effort?
“What are you thinking about so hard?” Jesse’s voice is rough with sleep, the gravelly tenor resonating in my sternum.
I look down at where he’d rested his head on my shoulder and see him gazing up at me. His smile catches the dim light flickering from the battery-operated candles still scattered all over the suite.
Instead of answering, I bend my head down and kiss him. It’s a gentle, light touch of lips, followed by the barest flicker of tongue. The electricity that shoots through me from that one touch makes my breath catch. He reaches up and cups my jaw, then slides his hand around to the back of my neck. I follow the pressure of his reach and roll over his body, deepening the kiss.
He writhes into me, and our cocks harden with the friction of rubbing ourselves together. I reach for the bottle of lube on the headboard and pump some into my palm, before wrapping my hand around both our cocks the way Jesse did in the jacuzzi tub earlier today. I love feeling our cocks pressed together, especially when I can feel the pulse of Jesse’s release.
“Luc?”
I lift my face from the crook of his neck and smile down at him. He looks earnest and maybe the slightest bit sad or worried. I can’t quite read it.
“What’s wrong, beautiful?”
“Nothing could be wrong in the world right now. I just want you.” He leans up and licks along the column of my neck to my ear. “Inside me.”
My lips part on an exhale, and he uses it to his advantage, licking into my mouth. He knows I’m weak if that tongue is involved. The things he does to me with that thing.
Is this going to be too much? Maybe. Am I still going to do it?
How can I not?
Even after lying here in the dark, agonizing over all the reasons this relationship can’t work, I can’t say no to him. I can’t say no to myself.
Every part of me wants to be wrapped up in every part of him.
