I’d thought keeping my distance during the day was what Ryan wanted. What I needed to protect myself. To pretend that what was happening between us didn’t matter. It hadn’t been until he told Max to go fuck himself that I’d realised the mistake I’d made.
The hurt I’d inadvertently caused Ryan.
Because it did matter. Whatever was happening between us fuckingmattered.
“Yes.” He smiled shyly, and the sight of it took my breath away. It was so different to the anger he usually showed me, but just as real. Just as addictive. “Until you get sick of me, anyway.”
“That won’t happen,” I said gruffly, my fingers still on the button of his trousers. I had to touch him. I’d die if I didn’t. “You’re it for me, Shadow.”
He was. I could feel it in my bones. I wasn’t sure of much in my life, or even what an ‘us’ would look like, not with the agreement I’d already made. I couldn’t even be certain there would be an ‘us’ come Autumn.
But I was sure of Ryan.
No one made me come alive like he did. No one excited me, frustrated me, captivated me like Shadow. It had always been that way, even if I’d pretended otherwise. Even if I’d lied to everyone, including myself, about how I really felt about him. Tonight, I’d perpetuated that lie by trying to force myself to move on. To forget that Ryan existed and lose myself in someone else.
As if such a thing were possible.
Ryan was my Shadow. The one I could never escape. If he was cut from me, I’d be half a man until I got him back.
It was why I never answered him fully when he asked about his nickname. How could I? If he learned the level of my obsession, he’d take out a restraining order. Even before this all started, I’d caught myself watching him. Noticing him. Seeking him out.
Ironic that Ryan believed I called him ‘Shadow’ because I thought that was where he belonged. Really it was because I’d got used to him always being there, in my periphery. My shadow.
Where he belonged.
“W-what are you doing?” Ryan whispered as I palmed his cock.
“Well, I was going to get you off, but if you don’t want to…”
From how his pupils dilated, he very much wanted that. “I didn’t know you liked men like that.”
“Neither did I,” I said. “But apparently I like you like that.”
Ryan cleared his throat, the darkness doing nothing to hide his flushed cheeks. “You don’t have to, not if you don’t want to.”
“Oh, I want to.” I leaned forward, my lips finding his neck. I kissed my way up it, open-mouthed and desperate. It was what I’d dreamed of doing every night while lying beside him. Now I had the opportunity, I wasn’t letting it go. When I reached his ear, I tugged on the lobe with my teeth. The hiss he let out had my already hard cock twitching. “I want to. So fucking much, Shadow.”
His hips rolled against my thigh as he gave a breathy moan. “What if someone spots us?”
“They won’t.” I boxed him in tighter against the wall. “I won’t let them see you, Shadow. Trust me.”
“I do.” He gave a disbelieving laugh. “Fuck, I do trust you. If this comes back to bite me then I’m going to be pissed. Don’t make me regret it, Dom.”
“I won’t,” I said, but there was an itch at the back of my neck—the reminder that I wasn’t being fully honest with him. That wasn’t the same as a lie though, right? “I’ll look after you.”
At least that I could do. Even if my plans changed things, I’d still do that.
I was many things, but above all, I was loyal and protective, and these past couple of weeks had shown me that there was no one I wanted to use those traits for more than Ryan. It’d fucking killed me, going back to how we’d been before. Not seeing him at lunch. Not sneaking into his room at night. Having to keep a smile on my face following hard times at home, knowing I couldn’t let my guard slip around anyone.
Only Ryan made me feel safe enough to do that.
I’d thought I could move on. Brush off whatever had been happening and be done with it.
I should’ve known Ryan would haunt me. That’s what shadows do.
You can’t escape them.
My hand shook as I eased his cock out of his trousers. I might have been acting confident, but really this was as new to me as it was to Ryan. I could honestly say I’d never imagined doing anything with a guy before him.
