Dominic would always choose him.
He’d never choose me.
I didn’t go to results day. I ignored all invites from my friends, instead opting to check my results online.
All As.
This was good news. Obviously. It meant I didn’t need to go through the rigmarole of Clearing. Come October, I’d be studying Business at York University.
There was no question of pursuing art. It was pointless. Dreams didn’t come true.
Dominic had taught me that.
It was better to go for the safe option. I’d taken a risk with him and paid with my heart, but I wasn’t a fool. I learned from my mistakes.
From now on, there’d be no dreaming. No flights of fancy. No throwing caution to the wind and seeing where it took me. Life was better when it was predictable. When you knew what your next steps were, and the results of taking them.
That mindset didn’t leave any room for broken hearts. It was exactly what I wanted. No, it was what I needed.
I wouldn’t survive this again. There was no way.
It was all very well telling myself that, but believing it was another thing entirely. That was why I ended up alone on resultsnight, wondering the streets, a bottle of Dad’s whisky in my hand.
I didn’t know why I’d taken it. I wasn’t much of a drinker generally, and whisky wasn’t what I went for. But wine made me think of Dominic. At least this didn’t.
The irony of using alcohol to numb my pain was laughable considering the shit I’d given Dominic’s dad. This wasn’t the same though. Me getting blackout drunk wasn’t going to hurt anyone else, but it might give me a few hours of peace.
I’d do anything to have that right now.
I wandered the paths I associated with Dominic. My house to the bus stop. Through the woods to the chippy. Amy’s road. The alley where we had our first kiss.
The burn of the alcohol eased with each new gulp I took. The same couldn’t be said about the pain. If anything, it was growing. Forming itself into a ball of needles in my chest, expanding outwards with each new breath.
Dominic’s gone.
He’s not coming back.
He always planned to leave.
I glugged down more of the amber liquid, using my spare hand to swipe away tears. How fucking dare I cry over him? He didn’t deserve my tears. This was all his fault. My life had been perfectly fine before he’d come along and fucked it all up.
Had it?
I scowled, kicking at a rock. Okay, so it hadn’t been. It’d been shit, to be honest. Everything I had now—my confidence, my determination, my friends—it was all because of Dom.
Even my grades were partly thanks to him. If he hadn’t helped me revise, there might’ve been different letters waiting on my results statement.
I stopped, taking a steadying breath. Everything was going to be okay. I just needed to get over this…ache, and I’d be fine.
I had to be.
I continued walking and drinking. Through the trees, remembering Dominic’s words about not letting his boyfriend walk into the dark and scary woods alone.
Well, here I was, alone.
But I guessed he wasn’t my boyfriend anymore, so maybe this was how it was meant to be. How Dominic had always planned for it to be.
I didn’t realise where my feet had taken me until I tripped on something hard and metallic.
