I was in freefall.
Clyde was dead.
He was gone.
Evan had killed him.
Evan had killed Clyde.
I’d wished for this once upon a time, right? Ten-year-old me would’ve beenthrilledto know this had happened. I’d lost count of how many times I’d imagined Evan taking Clyde’s immortality before spiriting me away to live with the fabled McCarthy wolf shifters. To a place where I could finally be free.
So why, now that it had happened, could I not breathe?
I rubbed at my chest as my lips started to tingle.
What the fuck was happening?
I got to my feet, shaking my hands out as I tried desperately to grasp onto something. Anything. “This is a good thing, right? It’s supposed to be.”
Evan’s eyes tracked my path around the room. “Logically, yes. Clyde was evil. His presence only brought negativity to your life.”
Tears were burning the backs of my eyes as a weight settled on my chest.
“Then why do I feel like this?” I asked, whirling to faceEvan and spreading my arms wide. “I hate him. Why the fuck am Icrying,Ev?”
“Because brains aren’t logical.” I didn’t see him get to his feet, but suddenly he stood in front of me, his big hands cupping my face. “Shock isn’t logical. Grief isn’t logical, sweetheart. You need to react however your body is telling you to react.”
“I don’t want to grieve.” My voice cracked on a sob. “He doesn’t deserve it.”
“He doesn’t, sweetheart,” Evan said, his thumbs stroking away my tears. “But this is what your body and brain need right now, and that’s okay. However you feel, whatever you need, it’sokay.”
Despite knowing all the reasons why I shouldn’t, I leaned into Evan’s touch. The freefall sensation ebbed away, his hands catching me before I could hit the bottom.
“I hate him. I’m glad he’s dead…but, fuck, Ev. Why’d you do it?”
Evan’s fingers flexed against me, but he didn’t pull away. “I could say it was because he threatened Chester. Because he scared him. It wouldn’t be a complete lie.”
“But?”
“But it wouldn’t be the whole truth either,” Evan whispered, his blue eyes searching mine. “Given the opportunity, I would’ve killed him just because I owed it to him. Because I didn’t all those years ago. Fuck, Reid, I would’ve killed him just for threatening you now. For making you live having to check over your shoulder every thirty seconds.”
“I’m not worth it, Evan. The Clarksons are going to declare war on the McCarthys in retaliation. You have to know that.”
“I do. We all did, but it didn’t stop us. Nothing could have.”
My breathing was shallow. “Because Chester was threatened.”
“Because of youandChester,” Evan said firmly. “Yer just as important to me, Reid. More so, if I’m being honest.”
I swallowed around the lump in my throat. “You shouldn’t say such things, Ev.”
“Why not?”
“Because they make me want to do stupid things,” I confessed. Evan had told me to do what I needed to cope. Suddenly, I knew exactly what I needed. I knew what would distract me enough to stop this spiral. It wasn’t logical or rational, but as Evan kept pointing out, nothing about this situation was. “Things I really shouldn’t do.”
“Like what?”
“Like this.”
