Still, between my attention not being tied up with the movie and the subtle rocking of the ship, I’m gradually lulled to sleep. I don’t mean to, but my eyes slip closed a few times as the sound of blasters firing fades into the background. Eventually, I slump over too, finding the warmest pillow I can.
Dimly, my mind tells me there will be repercussions for this.
My heart tells me it doesn’t care.
When I wake up,I’m still on the couch. My head is still on Nate’s chest, and I’m curled into a ball on top of him. He’s asleep too, head tilted back on the couch, arms wrapped around me.
This is very possibly one of the best ways I’ve woken up in a long time.
For all of a second, Nate is relaxed. He doesn’t know I’m here, and when he doesn’t, he keeps me close. It feels right when it’s like this.
I should pull away and give him space. He won’t like this when he wakes up. He’ll run the second he sees me, but Iwantthis. I know it without a shadow of a doubt. It’s not fair that I do, and one day, I’ll put all of it in a box and be the friend he wants me to be.
But I don’t know if I can today.
Nate starts to shift, and his entire body stiffens when he realizes I’m here.
“Sorry,” I say as I sit up. My muscles protest, but I ignore them. “I must’ve dozed off.”
“What the fuck?” he mutters as he rubs his eye. He immediately moves closer to the edge of the couch and away from me.
I knew he would do this. He’s consistent in his desire to be away from me. But seeing it hits mehard.
Nate catches the second it does and he sits up, no doubt to try and make me feel better. But I don’t want him to try. It’s obvious that he’s uncomfortable. That’s not going to change. The only thing that can change is allowing myself these slipups.
“You know what?” I stand and turn away from him, determined to hide the way I feel like my insides are mush. “We should brave the smoothie place. I really need one of those right now.”
“Berry, wait. I?—”
I hold a hand up, which stops him. “It’s okay.” I take a breath. “That was a total accident. I should’ve let you be nice and slept on the bed. It won’t happen again.”
With that, I go to my suitcase to get clothes for the day. I have to re-wear a pair of my longer shorts. The ones Nate got me are tempting, but I feel too emotionally raw to even consider it. Nategoes out onto the balcony while I change, and I think I can almost handle seeing him once my loose shirt and shorts are on.
But when he walks in, he steps in front of me. “I’m sorry if I upset you by moving away.”
“It’s ... fine. You have nothing to apologize for.” And he really doesn’t. He can’t help it if he doesn’t like touching people. He shouldn’t have to push against it just because I’m having different feelings now. “Let’s head out. We’ll both feel better after eating.”
I give him a smile that’s almost real and then turn to the door. As we walk, I focus on keeping our usual distance as we chat about our plans for the day. I want to make more progress on the pool, and Nate seems happy to give me that.
Things almost seem normal when we have our smoothies and sit in the lounge. My heart still feels sore, but maybe I can do this.
That all shatters when we head back to the room and run into Aaron in the hallway. Our friend’s leg is bandaged up, and when he spots us, I wonder if he’ll be embarrassed.
Instead, herunsat Nate.
“There’s my guy!” he says, tightly hugging my best friend. Nate goes stiff, eyes wide.
“Uh, hey.” He awkwardly pats Aaron on the shoulder.
“Isoowe you one for yesterday, man. That was so scary and you kept it together.” Aaron’s arms tighten. “You’re a real friend.”
I wait for Nate to get a mirror expression of this morning. Panic should set in at any moment, and I know the way that looks all too well. Nate considers Aaron for a long moment and then ... stays. He doesn’t look thrilled. But he doesn’t look like he does when it’s me touching him.
The door to Aaron’s room opens and Trixie comes out; when she sees the scene, she sighs.
“Oh, Aaron.” She walks to her husband and pries him off of Nate. “Sorry about that. He’s clingy when sick.”
“It’s fine,” Nate replies. “Yesterday was ... something.”
