How much damage have I done in my life alone? All those countless moments of casual incanting? So many days. Years. I saw what it did to the world, how it drained color and life from everything, and I just accepted it. Why didn’t that bother me?
Nausea swells from my stomach up into my throat. The fae aren’t the monsters after all.
We are.
Taran reaches forward, resting his hand on mine where it sits on my knee. The fingers in my pocket clench around the button.
“You didn’t know,” he says, “and the responsibility isn’t yours alone. If my people had accepted that the Land had already punished yours, then your ancestors would never have been driven to it. Many of us see that now. That’s why we stopped attacking.”
I take a deep breath, trying to accept Taran’s perspective. If I accept everything else he’s said, then shouldn’t I also accept he doesn’t blame me?
But what am I without incanting?
While I don’t know the answer to that, it’s clear I can no longer blindly follow my father’s path. We need to get to the border before he finds out I’m gone and sends the Order after me. They’ll never believe the truth. But if I can help Taran—build an alliance with the fae—then perhaps I’ll be able to convince them. We can make this right.
Taran hesitates, then meets my gaze. “You really care about this, don’t you?”
His eyes don’t look like someone staring down a monster. Only concern swirls in those emerald depths. And his face… something about it steadies me.
My grip on the button loosens, and I take his hand from where it sits on mine, pushing past the awkwardness in an attempt to show my sincerity. “Of course I do. Whatever I can do to fix it, I will.”
He squeezes my fingers, and I nod, forcing a smile. I have a plan; I just need to follow through. So I focus on his touch, something to hold on to—a certainty amid the storm—but an unease lingers. My thumb brushes against his, and a nervous heat twists in my chest.
Reid grabs my arm and yanks me to my feet. “Firewood it is, then.”
I stumble as Taran drops my hand and moves away. Reid keeps pulling me toward the trees.
“I’m going, I’m going,” I say, shoving Reid’s hands off me. Before we enter the woods, I glance back at Taran.
He stands slumped, one hand rubbing his brow and the other on his hip, as if bearing the weight of both our people on his shoulders.
It’s too much for any one person. I won’t let him carry it alone.
Chapter 26
Reid
Iwake up well before dawn and can’t fall back to sleep thanks to the freezing hard ground and the shitstorm rampaging through my mind.
To be honest, what Emlyn said about our ancestors being fae had completely slipped my mind. It was one of the many details thrown at me that night that turned my world completely upside down. But it wasn’t as pressing as the rest, so my brain buried it back where it wouldn’t bother me.
Until Taran had to not only bring it up again yesterday, but also reveal that the thing I’ve dedicated my life to since I was eleven years old isn’t, in fact, the pinnacle achievement of humanity. Instead, it’s a crime against the living spirit of the earth.
How in Arandur’s stinking name do I come back from that?
We’d always known incanting was bad for the environment. That’s why they outlawed it for anyone outside of the Order of Incanters and the Academy. If everyone did it, nothing would grow anywhere. That never bothered me before—it was just the way things were. Now, the truth has tied my stomach up in a perpetual knot that makes me dry heave every time it tries to unravel itself.
There’s no way I’m getting any more shut-eye with all these thoughts slamming around in my head, so I drag myself to the smoldering remains of our campfire. It’s wallowing in the chilly air, and I’m almost tempted to return to Ellie’s side just to get her warmth back. Having her curled into me wasn’t my ideal sleeping arrangement, but fuck if I’m gonna let her sleep out of arm’s reach with two men we barely know around. Caeo would kill me.
A sharp pang pierces my chest. Idoknow Emlyn. I’ve known him for weeks. But it’s no longer clear which parts were real and which were an act. Was he building a tower of chips on a wooden duck’s head with me because he actually enjoyed it, or was he just passing time until Caeo showed up?
And now he’s fae, and I’m…
Stop it.I can sort out my feelings about EmlynafterI come to terms with all the shit Ellie and I have done.
Ellie’s face when she realized the truth… Slack-jawed, trembling—she can’t be feeling any better about it than I am. Over the course of our lives, in trying to be the best, we’ve turned into some of the worst offenders. I could never incant again, and I’ll still likely have done it more than some full-fledged Order members. But despite spending almost the entirety of my days with Ellie for months, we’ve never waded into the deeper waters of friendship necessary for heart-to-hearts, and I’m not sure I want to start now. I’m already more involved in her relationship with Caeo than I ever wanted to be.
I rub my eyes, then scan our campsite, not that there’s much to see in the dark. A blur of trees and silhouettes of horses. Someone should’ve been keeping watch, but Taran’s nowhere to be found. Which is a relief, as I have little desire to sit around in awkward silence with him. He’s barely acknowledged my presence since our arrival; I think Emlyn’s jab about me being more useful than Ellie unnerved him.
