That’s not what I’m trying to do. I only want to talk. To understand.
Right?
The tightness in my core suggests otherwise.
My fingers find the button in my pocket, letting me breathe. Why is this so confusing? And why is he judging me so harshly?
“But you’re seconds away from pouncing all over Emlyn,” I say.
Reid tenses, barely perceptible in the darkness. “That’s… Look—that’s different, alright?”
“How so?”
“Because I’m not—” He balls his fists and lets out a frustrated groan. “It won’t hurt anyone if I fuck him.”
“What about Alexis?”
“That’s not fair, El. If she knew everything we do, she wouldn’t hate him so much. But you—”
“What about me?” I snap, my frustration brewing. This conversation’s gone far beyond what I’d even considered, but I don’t need his condescension. “Who am I hurting?”
“If I could tell you in a way you’d remember, I would. But we’ve tried that. You just have to trust me.”
The bubbling within me simmers to a boil. A lifetime spent blindly following my father’s wishes, now Reid wants me to do that for him, too?
“Stop saying that! I don’t want to just be a tool in someone else’s plan. I want to help. To make my own decisions.”
“I get that,” Reid says, his voice laced with exasperation, “but you don’t have enough information to make good ones!”
“At least they’ll be mine. I can deal with consequences, just like everyone else does.” I turn away, my foot catching on a tree root.
“Ellie, please.” Reid pulls me back, his voice softening as he takes my hands, and I resist the urge to pull them away. “If you could remember everything, you’d want nothing to do with him.”
That doesn’t make any sense.“What could I possibly be forgetting that would make me not want to help Taran? I need to make up for all the incanting I’ve done.” But deeper than that, there’s this itch—that in helping him, I’ll find what’s missing in my heart.
“You can do that without tying yourself to him.” Reid squeezes my hands. “Please. Just wait until we reach the capital. You’ll be able to make a better decision then.”
The pleading in his voice calms the maelstrom within, but this is more than fae charm: this pull doesn’t exist with Emlyn at all. I need to figure out what it is before it overwhelms me.
How can I make Reid see?
I press his fingers between mine. “I understand what you’re telling me, but Taran feels familiar. Safe. With everything falling apart, I just—when he smiles, I feel like it will be alright.”
My breath catches, having finally said the words aloud. That feeling… How can something feel both so right and so wrong at the same time?
“Believe me, Ellie, I understand. I really do. But you need to ignore that. You need to stay away from him. Just until the capital. Please.”
Why does this mean so much to him?
I bite my lip. As conflicted as I am, I won’t have any peace until I sort this out, and that won’t happen without talking to Taran.
“I just… I need answers,” I say.
Reid drops his head. “I’m not gonna convince you, am I?”
I don’t have a response. Not one he wants to hear.
He releases my hands, the cold creeping into my fingers. His voice is heavy when he speaks.
