“You’ll get there,” Cross says, his fingers moving through my hair like he’s trying to calm a skittish foal. Which might be an apt description.
I take a deep breath and decide to bite the bullet, so to speak. I need to tell Cross what is really on my mind. “Cross, I think you and the club should stay away from me.”
“What the fuck, Ollie?” I love that he calls me Ollie. So many call me Livy, and I hate it now. I hate the person I used to be because it reminds me of everything I’ve lost—everything I’ve endured. I push those dark thoughts away and look up at Cross. His kind brown eyes and the graying of his wavy chocolate hair make me smile. I’m glad Bear told him to find the letters he left. I’m glad he had things in place. It’s not fair, and I ache for the life we’ll never get to live, but I’m thankful he thought of me and wanted me to be happy. I won’t touch the money. Bear’s already given me his love and a family of some of his closest friends. I know he hoped Blade would step up, but that’s not what I want. Blade is a past that was shared with a woman I’m not anymore.
“You saw Blade today, Cross. I don’t want to cause trouble for you, Sasa, or Money. I know you’re here for me because of Bear, and I appreciate it, but Bear wouldn’t want you to take a stand against his brother. He loved Blade. More importantly, I don’t want you to hurt Blade or your relationship with the club.”
“Not happening, Ollie. You’re family. We don’t turn our backs on family.”
“But I’m not, not really. I’m just …”
“You belonged to Bear. You’re family.”
“I’m the reason Bear is dead. I tried so hard. I really did.”
“I know, Ollie. You’re as much of a victim as Bear was. Your brother and Bear hated one another. That began before you came into the picture, Ollie. It was always going to end with one of them dying. If you want to blame anyone, then blame the fact that Bear trusted a traitor. That’s what got him killed. He told you that, sweetheart, and he wasn’t lying.”
I nod because I know what he’s saying is true, but I still feel responsible for all of it. Cross doesn’t understand because he didn’t hold Bear in that tiny cage-like cell—while he slowly faded away.
“Winnie wants me to move. She says I’ll be safer at Black Stone Ranch. She has a friend, Carson, who runs it. He’s ex-military or something. She seems to think he could protect me from Douglas. I’m afraid all I would do is get one of them hurt, too.”
“Carson Wells. I know him. He’s got a lot of trained men working for him, Ollie. You’d be safe there. They’re rough and tumble men, but they will watch out for you. I promise you it’d be a move.”
“Do you think …”
“If you’re asking if I think you should move, the answer is yes. It would make me rest easier knowing you have round-the-clock protection.”
I let out a sigh. With a sad smile, I shake my head as I look up at Cross, my eyes locking with his. “I was actually going to ask if you think Bear would want me to move there,” I confess. “God, I’m so stupid. Bear’s gone, but I still don’t want to disappoint him. It’s ridiculous, but sometimes at night I can almost feel him next to me. Then, when I fall asleep, I keep seeing him in this thick fog, and he keeps calling my name. I try as hard as I can, but I can never reach him.”
“It’s just a nightmare, sweetheart.”
“That’s the thing. It’s not a nightmare. He keeps asking me to find him, and for a few minutes, it’s the sweetest dream I’ve ever had because there, he’s alive …”
“Ollie-girl, you know that’s not possible.”
I feel tears running down my face. I don’t bother trying to wipe them off. “I want it to be true, Cross. I want it to be true so badly …” He pulls me into his arms, and I let myself cry. It probably makes me a horrible person, but I also imagine Cross is Bear. Guilt hits me at once, but I’m too far gone. I just hold on tight, soaking the front of Cross’s chest with my tears. “I just want him back. I just want him back.”
I repeat it over and over, and even though I know it’s hopeless, I’m praying that my words somehow create magic, and a miracle happens …
10 BLADE
“Are the men here yet?” I growl at Layna.
“The appointment is not until three. It’s only two-thirty, Blade, baby. You’re so tense. Maybe I can help you take the edge off,” she purrs, and just looking at her makes me sick to my stomach.
Since seeing Cross at the boys at the funeral yesterday, my head has been a mess. It’s worse because I can’t figure out Olivia. The girl at the funeral was a mess. There’s no way she’s the same woman who mocked me and then begged for her death. That night I swore I’d make her pay. I’ve spent my time in prison thinking of twisted, evil ways to break her. I vowed that this time when she begged for death, I would laugh at her and walk away, knowing she had no hope left.
Now? Fuck, I don’t know what I’m thinking.
“Get out, Layna,” I mutter, not even looking up.
“Lover, you forget I know just what you need.”
“I said …” I stop when I look up and realize her dress has fallen to the floor. This is my fault. I know it is, but that doesn’t lessen my anger one bit. “Get your fucking dress on. Then leave. If I see your face again today, you will no longer be working here. Do you understand?”
“But—”
“Leave!” I bellow. She quickly pulls the dress over her head. It’s barely slid down half her body before she’s running for the door. I turn away, determined to get my anger under control before I talk to my men.
