Seeing my Kotik happy is all I want.
I wish I could do more, but it’s getting to the point where I think I’m ready. If I come on too strong, she might get scared. And that would be a shame because we’ve been together too long for it to end like that. Not that it will end, but it won’t be the same, will it?
I am not sure I can be without her, so I’ll really have to get creative, and that’s harder because I want her towantto be with me, and I don’t want to settle for the other option.
When I find the one, we will be forever,ChloéDae sings on repeat in my car.
My Kotik is sad.
Her relative died, and I got angry because I didn’t know which one. They must live abroad because I can’t find anything on them in Russia. I learn I’m supposed to send her flowers, so I risk it this time. They aren’t signed. She sets them in her window.
I learn that when someone in your family dies, you cover the mirrors in your home because of some superstition, so I cover all the mirrors in my home for seven days. It makes it hard to shave, but I can do that at work.
I take a look at her work.
I’ve avoided it because she works for the government, and she’s surrounded by a lot of men and she has to talk to them. I think I’ve gotten better now. I’ve been practicing. Whenever she’s with them, I just hum something calming. Recite the lyrics in my head, or even out loud. But my Kotik is respectful of me; she doesn’t flirt.
There’s a militiaman who likes her. Hard to blame him, she is the most perfect woman in the world. I’m surprised all of them don’t pursue her, but it’s better that way because I still glitch sometimes, and I’d hate to lose progress.
Sergei has some business with the Senator, but I’m not a part of it. I don’t like politics because they come with too many rules. I have too many slip-ups to be in the public eye like that. But it’s comforting to know that if she ever needs anything for her career, I can give it to her. My Kotik is a hard worker. She’s independent and smart. I don’t get involved because it brings her happiness to achieve things on her own.
I learn that there has to be an illusion of freedom.
An illusion of choice.
Because it would scare her if she found out there isn’t.
But I’m good at that. I learned my lesson with Vera.
That’s when I have a bit of a setback.
A militiaman asks her to dinner, and she says yes, and I think I can handle it, but then I imagined him trying to kiss her at the end of the night, and I snapped. But I’ve grown a lot since being with her, so instead of putting a bullet in him, I get Sergei to send him to Norilsk. I felt bad because it was petty and I could have chosen a better place with less crime and pollution, but I didn’t like the way Katya smiled at him.
She’s lonely, and it’s my fault because I’m still scared I’m not ready. But my Kotik needs me, and I have to try harder.
Then, I fucked up.
I can stay composed in stressful situations. I deal with explosives, and I’m not worried about guns. But with Katya, it doesn’t matter. The bus wasn’t crowded, and I saw the mraz reaching for her. I don’t think I’ve ever moved faster, but I wasn’t in time. He already touched her, and she spun around.
For the first time, we made eye contact, my Kotik and I.
The most beautiful second of my life, and I wasn’t ready. She startled me. And then the record skipped, and the next thing I know, I’ve cheese-grated his face against the brick wall in the alley. I can see the exposed bone of his brow framed by shredded skin, and he isn’t struggling anymore. I could have shot him, but that’s just a fraction of a second and not long enough to let the rage out.
The Makarov can fire up to 600 rounds a minute, and that’s good time management, but speed is mercy, and mercy isn’t always a part of the equation. I learned that early on in life.
I didn’t want to deal with the disappointment on my own, so he had to suffer with me, but he suffered more.
She’d seen me. I couldn’tgo back to the outskirts. I had to see those eyes again. I had to be close enough to smell her. To feel her heat. To have her see me the same way I see her.
It took me another month to work up the courage, because I still wasn’t ready, but sometimes things happen in a way you don’t expect. They come at you without warning.
Just like the opportunity did.
Can’t you see? Baby, you’re written all over me…I didn’t know who sang that one because I had to turn the radio down when a police car came by. They rarely mess with imported cars in the streets, but I had two kilos of Afghan heroin in the back and didn’t need Sergei howling up my ass.
I wanted it to be on a weekend, so she could be well rested. Somewhere she felt comfortable. Have it be natural. Make sure Elena was there, so my Kotik had some support and didn’t feel awkward. I can be intimidating sometimes. Can’t scare her. It would be harder then, and she might not like that.
It might be hard to talk to her, because I already know everything. What am I supposed to ask her? What am I not supposed to know?
