I forgot myself on New Year’s Eve.
Kotik gifted me a CD. The perfect one, because she had been thinking about us too. I tore through the booklet in the bathroom, scanning the lyrics of every song, and every songwasperfect. God told me I’d done the right thing. I’d earned it.
We swayed on the ice and Chloé Dae told my Kotik how to feel, and there was no audience applause or laugh track because it was just her and I, and that’s all we ever needed.
The kiss almost didn’t happen because watching her in that dress the entire night drove me wild in ways that physically hurt. There wasn’t a moment I didn’t think of throwing her against the wall and fucking her into the next year. And she would have loved it—she’d watched me like a predator all evening—but it wouldn’t be right. Not then.
Good thing, because the kiss was almost overwhelming. I started to get mixed up in my head. Too much, too fast, and the tension snaps. That’s how things get ruined.
Katya wants me, maybe as much as I want her, and I wasn’t prepared for that. It puts her at an advantage, and I have to make her settle down. Keep her back. Which is a problem too, because seeing her like that is maddening—my Kotik on a leash—and I might enjoy it too much. I like it even more when she pulls the leash because she knows I’ll hold it tight. I start having dreams of keeping her on one. Of wrapping it around my hand until she’s nice and taut. Of fucking her like that.
And I’m not sure if that’s okay or if it’s because something is wrong with me. I have no references. I can’t ask anyone. So Ijust have to keep the thoughts to myself.
I almost lose her.
Not because I did anything wrong, but because she doesn’t want to lose me. She thought I was seeing someone else and followed me to Elit. I need to train her more because she should know I’d never look at anybody else, but it’s endearing that she’s jealous. I can relate, so I don’t hold it against her. I don’t know how much she saw, but she’s okay so I don’t think about it too much because the static begins biting.
Kotik needs time because she lives inside that colorful TV show, and she switched the channel for a second to the one I watch and didn’t like it. I’ll give her time, because it can be jarring. I still remember being ripped out of one and into the other, and then across all the channels, even the dead ones. I don’t want it to overwhelm her as it did me, so I wait.
And I wait.
And I wait, and she’s not calling. She isn’t going to work, either. I only checked up on her sometimes because she knows Roman is around, and I have to be extra careful. But something is wrong and a month is long enough.
I have to chase the fox out of the foxhole.
Misha gets mad because I need one of his safe houses. The apartment I bought for her last year is still being renovated, and I want it to be a surprise, so I tell him to clean up the one on Mira Street and do it quickly.
I go to the Kurov Power Station. The director doesn’t know me, but he knows Sergei, and we have a sit-down. He’s not a big guy. Just tired. Wants to do the right thing, but the right thing isn’t going to work for me. I know how these things function and tell him I can work with his equipment. He says no, the parts are old, poorly maintained, and too hard to replace.
Sergei gets a call about it from some city official and tells me to back off—he doesn’t need those problems.
The next day, a hole blows through the GSU transformer. A shame, I’ve heard the parts are old and poorly maintained. There is a blackout throughout a whole district.
Sergei is pissed, but understands to pick his battles.
Katya calls Misha, and he was expecting it because he knows me. I don’t like having him be the middleman with her, but he’s a good guy, and I can’t be there all the time. It looks suspicious.
I’m certain he already tried to warn her away—but she still called, so it couldn’t have been that bad. It matters very little because my Kotik doesn’t listen to rumors.
I move her across town.
She’s mine, and I’ll make sure she’s alright. That Mama and Maxim are alright, because it means they’re mine too. My family.
This is a better school for him, and I know people here—I can make sure he gets a good education and can have a spot in whatever he wants to pursue after classes. He’s bright, just needs structure, and Mama doesn’t completely understand how to provide that. Katya does not either, but she’s learning, and I’m here to help her so our kids will have the support they need.
I wonder how life would have gone for me if I did. I don’t dwell on that because I wouldn’t have met her, so it doesn’t matter.
Kotik cums for me. She has to hold a gun to my head because I’m afraid I’m going tofuckinglose it, feeling her so tight around my fingers. Feeling her shudder and her muscles clench. The static snaps at my brain, and the antenna can’t keep the channel steady; it blinks in and out. But I finish her off a few times, and taste her where she came all over my fingers. If it wasn’t sofucking cold, we’d be there all day.
I told her the safety was on, because she didn’t listen when I explained it and doesn’t know the difference, and I can see she thinks I’m crazy, and I’m not crazy, but now I have to prove that.
She makes me question myself for a moment, because after everything we’ve built, somehow it’s not‘real’ and she mentions Elena—who I already know is fucking one of the Chechen boys higher up. Kotik is not a prostitute, so I’m not sure what’s happening, but for a second, I feel she thinks she’s using me like that.
It hurt worse than getting shot, but I have to move past it and remember that Katya is in her television show and doesn’t like the other channels.
It doesn’t matter… it does, but it doesn’t. I must have just misunderstood because I thought we were in love, but I am past what I can learn on my own, and there are no instructions at this point, and my instincts are no longer any good. So I tell her that I will give her whatever she wants, because I will. She’ll always have everything from me, because she’s mine. She wants forever, but fails to understand what that means, which is okay because I am going to show her. I want forever, too, but I know what that entails, and there is only one for her and I.
I have to get her a cellphone so I have to get me a cellphone.
