“My mom’s friend called to tell me she was dead. She went to sleep and never woke up. Apparently, she’d been having health issues relating to her two pack a day cigarette habit.”
Delphine and her mother had always had a tense relationship. Gail had been cold and hypercritical of her only daughter. When Delphine was eighteen, she’d gone to art school and saw her mother only occasionally. It had all come to ahead at Jon’s memorial. I’d been standing nearby, refilling the sandwich plate when I heard Delphine and her mother talking. “If you’d been more loving, maybe he’d still be with us,” Gail had said. “You’ve always been so hard to please. So critical. It’s no wonder he was depressed. Living like that all those years.”
I’d just stood there with my mouth open, horrified that someone could be so cruel. Especially someone’s mother. Delphine hadn’t spoken to her since then. We’d all encouraged her to keep her distance. Protect herself. Regardless, her death was surely complicated for Delphine. There would be regret. Maybe a little relief?
“How are you feeling about it all?” I asked.
“I didn’t think it would hit me so hard. It’s not like she was part of my life. Or Annie’s. But I keep thinking maybe I should have reached out to her. It’s been six years since we lost Jon. Maybe I should have forgiven her.”
“It was a hard thing to forgive. I heard what she said, and I don’t think you were wrong to distance yourself from her.”
“I know that intellectually, but I’m feeling guilty and sad,” Delphine said. “And it’s brought up a lot of stuff about Jon. I don’t know if I’m ever going to get over losing him. I’ve tried to move on, but I don’t know how. This last year, I’ve seen all of you falling in love, and it’s been confusing. On one hand, I’m jealous. I don’t know how to let go of my grief and be open to someone else. Jon was my person, you know. Yet, I couldn’t reach him. I wasn’t enough to pull him from his depression. All this time later, I still lay in bed at night and think of all the signs I should have seen but didn’t. How maybe my mom was right. I’d been too hard to be with. If I’d been like Gillian or Lila or Esme—giving and supportive, less critical—maybe he’d still be here. What if I had just loved and supported him without being so demanding. So much myself.”
“Wait. Why am I not on that list?”
This elicited a laugh that sounded more like a sob. “Maybe that’s the worst part about me. I’m jealous of nice people.”
“Again, are you saying I’m not nice?”
She dabbed at her eyes, chuckling. “You’re a good person, but you’re made of steel. Like me. Nothing bends us. We just keep going. No matter what we have to face.”
“It’s true. But we’re also deeply sensitive. We feel a lot of things.”
“Every moment of every day,” Delphine said. “But I’ve told myself that, whatever debilitating feelings I have, I cannot let them control me. I’m all Annie has. If I break down, what would happen to her?”
“We’d wrap her up in love,” I said. “Like we’d do for any of the kids. You can fall apart every once in a while. We’re here to help you put the pieces back together.”
“I’m grateful for our friendships. I truly am. But lately, I’ve felt very alone. Selfishly, I thought you’d be here with me forever—single, independent, jaded. And now even you’ve succumbed.” She shook her head. “Do you see what I mean? I’m a terrible person. I wanted you to stay as miserable as I am.”
“That’s not really what it is,” I said gently. “You just feel like everyone’s abandoned you. I can understand completely. I felt that way too a little bit. Not so much with Esme and Grady because I knew that was inevitable. They were practically acting like spouses long before they admitted the truth about their feelings. But Lila and Gillian hit me hard. They were so open to love. So willing to trust. I don’t know if I can ever get there.”
“I know I can’t,” Delphine said.
“Is that why you shut me down when I suggested there could be something between you and Dorian if you would give it a chance?”
She shook her head, looking at me as if I’d grown horns out of my forehead. “How could you ever think I’d be willing to do that? Firstly, I don’t really know him. Secondly, he’s not my type.”
“I know, I know. You could go on all night long about all the reasons you’re not interested in him. And that’s fine. However, after the last few weeks, I’m starting to understand that the right person makes all the difference. I want this for you.”
“So it’s official? You’re in love?” She scowled, looking a little like a petulant child. “I knew it.”
“Yeah, I’m in love,” I said softly. “I have no idea how it happened but here we are.”
“He comes with all kinds of complications. You know that, right?”
“Trust me. I know. You wouldn’t believe the latest.”
“Tell me about it. Maybe it’ll be good for me to think about something else besides my pathetic self.”
I told her all the latest, including Madeleine’s advice and plan.
“I don’t know,” Delphine said. “Can we trust any of these people?”
“I trust Hunter. And he trusts them. So the answer is yes.”
Delphine let out a long sigh. “Fine. But I’m here if he hurts you. Or if it all gets to be too much and you just want a place to hide for a few days.”
“I know. Thank you.”
