“Why is this one your favorite?” Tyler asked.
I opened my mouth to sayoh, you know, I just love Ivy James’s voice and it’s such a good song. Instead, I found myself saying the truth.
“In college, I dated a boy I was completely gone for.” I turned my wine glass slowly on the marble. “Almost a year. I thought he was the one. But he didn’t agree.” I lowered my gaze, remembering that night on my couch when he’d told me he wanted out, the painful squeeze in my chest still there even after all these years. “He said I was too much. Too needy. That I loved too hard and exhausted him.”
Tyler had gone very still. Hunter continued to stir the pasta, not looking at me.
“And I filed it away as evidence of what I’d already suspected about myself. That I was too intense for anyone to truly love.”I paused, thinking through how to describe it to my son. “The thing is, I’d felt from the beginning that he would leave. So I held on tighter, which of course made it worse. A self-fulfilling prophecy I wrote myself into without realizing it.” I laughed a little, the way you laughed at things that weren’t really funny. “The first time I heard this song I was driving and had to pull over because I couldn’t see the road. It was my story exactly.” I looked up at Hunter. “You told it in three minutes and fifty seconds. Made me feel understood while also explaining myself to myself, if that makes sense.”
“Yeah, it does,” Hunter said softly. “I wrote it after my wife left me for another man. She said I suffocated her. I took the breath away from the one person I desperately wanted to give it to. And I knew it all along too. That she would leave. But, in hindsight, I wonder if my assumption is the thing that made her leave.”
“Thank you for writing it,” I said. “You have no idea how much it’s meant to me.”
“That’s kind of you,” Hunter said. “I’ve felt the same way about your books.”
Tyler placed both hands on the counter, his knuckles white. “You’re not too much, Mom. That guy wasn’t enough.” Tyler turned toward Hunter. “Same goes for you. She wasn’t enough for you, not the other way around. If your partner feels insecure, you should reassure them, not make them feel ashamed for asking for love.”
“That’s not their job though,” Hunter said. “I learned that. We have to validate ourselves. Any time we look for it in others or in our successes or whatever, we’ll never get what we need. That has to come from within.”
“Or maybe it’s just that you two weren’t with the right person,” Tyler said. “Someone who understands what it’s like tobe creative and soulful and deep. Not someone who runs away just because you’re intense.”
“Equal intensity? Is that the answer?” Hunter asked, smiling. “You may have a point. But for now, let’s eat.”
We enjoyed a long,chatty meal, with Tyler telling Hunter more about his baseball team and the upcoming game. Hunter shared some gossip from Nashville about some of my favorite singers and bands, which of course I loved. I told them about the new book I was starting and that it was a slow beginning.
By the time the last of the food was gone, it was nearly nine o’clock. Hunter helped clear the dishes, stacking things beside the sink, while Tyler loaded the dishwasher and I wiped down the island. I had this eerie feeling of déjà vu, as if we’d done all of it in a former life.
“I should get going,” Hunter said when the kitchen was once again spotless.
“Thank you for dinner,” I said. “Which is a strange thing to say to a guest.”
“Thank you for the wine. And showing me your dad’s record collection.”
Tyler gave me a sideways glance, and then the corners of his mouth lifted slightly.
We followed him out into the front room. Hunter picked up his guitar case from where he’d left it earlier.
“Don’t forget to practice what I showed you,” Hunter said to Tyler. “Same time next week?”
“Yeah, totally. I’ll practice every day. And thanks for agreeing to the lessons. It’s really cool of you.”
“I’m glad to do it. And to get to know you better.” He glanced at me. “Both of you.”
“You’re welcome here anytime, right, Mom?”
“Yes. Especially if you make dinner,” I said.
Hunter laughed. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
“My first game’s tomorrow evening,” Tyler said to Hunter. “Wanna come?”
“I don’t have to work tomorrow, so, yeah,” Hunter said. “What time?”
Tyler, grinning. “Awesome. Starts at five.”
“I’ll be there,” Hunter said.
“I’m heading up to do some homework. Night, Hunter.” Tyler gave him a little wave and then bounded up the stairs.
