The double doors to the hut are open, and he dips inside and comes back out again carrying an ice bucket, glasses and a bottle of bubbly. Then he goes again and comes back with an armful of throws and cushions and spreads them out across the planks of the deck.
I peer into the bucket. ‘If this is one you prepared earlier, how come the ice hasn’t melted?’
He raises an eyebrow. ‘Elliot brought it over for me just now. There’s a picnic hamper too in case we get hungry.’
I sit on the verandah step, slip off my shoes, and look up at a velvet sky the same inky blue as my day dress. There’s a pop behind me, and as a glass of fizz arrives in my hand I’m trying to work it out.
‘So explain to me, why aren’t you like the others, Lando? What made you turn your back on all this?’
‘Even as a young kid I was very much on the sidelines in this world. I couldn’t take the hunting and shooting and I hated that the workers worked and we took the profits. And my parents were distant with all of us, but even more so with me.’ He lets out a breath. ‘Then I got thrown out of boarding school, ended up in St Aidan, and the day I went home with Sav, I found the warmth I’d always sensed was missing at home but hadn’t ever been able to articulate.’
‘Oh, Lando.’ I’m fighting back the tears.
He pulls a face. ‘Our mum enjoyed having babies; she just wasn’t that interested in the next part. Any outfit that sends kids away from home at six and relies on household staff before that, aren’t ever going to be big on heartfelt hugs. Some kids never realise, but I did.’ He sighs. ‘As humans we’re built to survive, and kids are resilient. If there’s a chance to grab something they need but aren’t getting, they’ll dive in remorselessly. And that was me. That’s why I became a full-time fixture at yours.’
I blow out a breath. ‘Because your own home life was so shit and there was no one there to care for you.’
This could explain why he was hard on his parents at the beach hut. I reach for his hand, link my fingers through his and try to make up for everything he didn’t get.
He’s squeezing my hand back and his voice is soft in the darkness.
‘A lot of our experiences depend on where we are in the family. I came after Rupert and Elliot, and I only found out much later that before I was born my mum had had a stillborn baby girl. When I came along, Mum couldn’t bear to look at me because I wasn’t her.’
It’s such a shock my throat goes dry. ‘Jeez, Lando.’
He sighs again. ‘It wasn’t my mother’s fault. She was grieving; she was in a pit of doom; she wasn’t in any state to look after a baby, so I spent my early years being handed round her sisters. Then Fi came along, and then Esme and Piers, and at some point I came back and took my place in the crowd. It’s all very hazy, but I guess that’s the real answer to your question.’ Hepauses, then starts again. ‘We all get our own hand in life, and it’s down to us to make the best of whatever comes our way.’
I’m kicking myself for every assumption I’ve ever made about Lando.
‘I’m so sorry. I’ve always implied that you had it easy, and that couldn’t be further from the truth.’
His shoulders rise and fall again. ‘It’s okay. I’m just pleased I’ve finally had a chance to explain. I feel better about going forward, knowing you understand why I am how I am.’
I put my glass down and put both my hands around his. ‘Love and stability are the most important things for a child. It’s heartbreaking to think of someone I care about growing up without them.’
He pulls a face. ‘Your family gave me more than you’ll ever know. I’ll be grateful my whole life for that.’
He’s given me so much of himself here I have to give something back. ‘If it’s time for baring our souls, how about I tell you what happened after I’d had Nemmie. The reasons I didn’t tell you about her.’
I let go of his hand, take a swig of fizz and gather my courage.
‘I understand what your mum went through, because I didn’t cope well after Nemmie was born.’ I pause to think where to go next. ‘In those first few days of Nemmie being alive I could feel my own life disappearing, and then the panic and the tears and the tiredness took over, and I plunged faster than going down a bobsleigh run.’
‘Oh, Maevey. I feel so bad I wasn’t there to share it with you.’
I have to be straight. ‘I’m pleased you weren’t, because it was awful. For months and months all I saw was blackness and all I did was cry. The worse it got, the more scared I was that if you came and saw how badly I was doing, you might want to take Nemmie away from me. For her sake. Because babies need their mums to be happy, and I was doing such a bad job of that.’
I’m hugging myself, shuddering as I think about it.
‘It sounds silly, sitting here looking up at the stars in between the clouds, knowing how okay we all are now. I was so scared then because I was hanging by the flimsiest of threads. All I could think was that if you came back and your family sent in their lawyers, I wouldn’t stand a chance. That I was too weak to fight you. I couldn’t bear to think about losing my baby when my love for her was the only thing keeping me going.’
Lando rakes his fingers through his hair. ‘I’m so sorry, Maeve. You must have been in the darkest of places to think of me like that.’
His arms close around me, and as I lean my face on his shoulder, my cheeks are wet with tears. I give a sniff.
Lando pulls a hanky from his pocket and puts it into my hand. ‘Another of Oliver’s essentials.’
I wipe my eyes and clutch the hanky. ‘And then one year ran into the next, and then another. By then I was mortified for not telling you earlier, and asking myself how I’d ever explain why I’d left it for so long.’ I give a shrug. ‘Then I started to wonder why the hell you hadn’t come back to see for yourself.’ I leave that to sink in. ‘Next I knew, there you were! I fell into the harbour with the shock.’
