‘Drat, damn, blast.’ He blows out a breath. ‘I had no idea my personal meltdown was so public. It’s ironic, because you’re the last person in the world I’d ever despise, Maevey. The only person I’m annoyed with is myself. But I’m not just annoyed, I’m raging. I’m so wrapped up in the rage, I can’t see past it to function.’
‘I’m so sorry, Lando.’ I’m kicking myself for misunderstanding so badly.
His eyebrows arch upwards. ‘Nothing about this is your fault, Maeve. You had a baby to deal with. Then a child. This entire situation is my doing, and that’s why I’m beating myself up.’ He pauses to breathe, then continues, ‘I’m raging for making wrong decisions. I’m raging for the years I wasn’t here for you when I should have been. I’m raging because I want to turn the clock back and I can’t. I’m desperately sad for everything I missed out on, all the things that it’s impossible to catch up on because they’re gone. I’m raging for everything I’ve made you go through on your own. As you said, I should have come back, and I didn’t. I can’t ever imagine being able to forgive myself for making that mistake.’
Hearing the desolation in his voice as he says the words, my heart is breaking for him.
I swallow hard and wonder how the hell to reply. ‘Regret is a very negative emotion, Lando. If you carry on like this, you’ll destroy yourself for no reason.’
I feel him fill his lungs. ‘You sound a lot like my sisters.’
‘Remind me of their names.’
‘Fifi and Esme.’
I’m despairing at how upmarket they sound. ‘You didn’t often talk about your family.’
‘We haven’t always had the best of relationships.’ His voice is hollow. ‘So, give me some womanly insight. What do you suggest?’
I am the last person to be advising him, and it’s a measure of his desperation that he’s even asking. I draw in a breath and think about how I helped myself.
‘Forget everything that went before, stop beating yourself up, never let yourself think “what if?”. Start with the situation you’re in now and move forwards from there.’
He’s shifting against me. ‘That’s easy to say.’
I’m struggling for pointers, anything that might release him from the destructive mindset he’s in now. This is not the easiest circumstance either, trailing round town with Nemmie right under his nose, but hopefully we won’t have to repeat this.
‘First you have to forgive yourself. If you let go of the anger, you’ll be able to make more sense of what you’re facing.’ His chest is warm under the smooth cotton of his shirt, and as the thud of his heart echoes mine, I smile. ‘Once you find your way back to the happy guy you used to be, everything will feel easier.’
He gives a grunt. ‘I’m not sure I’d ever have described myself as that.’
I let out a cry. ‘Shit, Lando, you had so much, why weren’t you over the moon?’ My age-old frustrations get the better of me. ‘You privileged people are so annoying! If the rest of us had it half as easy, we’d never be sad again!’
There’s a shout from under the boat. ‘Maevey said a swear!’
Then another. ‘That’s another fifty pence for the jar!’
Lando murmurs in my ear, ‘If your mum’s still charging you for cursing, it might be time to move out.’
‘Frigg off out of my business, Lando.’ I’m hissing back at him, staggered by the cheek, but pleased he’s reconnected with that teasing tone.
He gives a low laugh. ‘Thank you for helping, Maeve. Things never feel quite so bad after I’ve been shouted at by a Brownbury.’
‘Frigg off for that too!’ I’m on tiptoe, grasping his shirt in each hand to steady myself, my lips brushing his ear so I can shout at my target without the kids hearing.
His lips brush against my ear. ‘If you stop the swearing for long enough to look along the beach, you may find it’s no longer raining.’
‘Crikey, Lando, why do you always have to be so on it?’
He laughs again. ‘I didn’t say you had to move. Feel free to stay exactly where you are for as long as you like.’
I’m about to tell him where to go again, when I hear a cry from Tia.
‘Hold it there, Maevey! There’s a rainbow, sunshine, clouds and you two and Angel all under one umbrella. This is too good to miss!’
I look down to see Angel at my feet, his back propped against Lando’s shins, his bottom resting comfortably on the cushion of my piled-up dress. If only for his persistence, I hold my pose until Tia calls to tell us she’s all done, and only look up again when I hear Nemmie’s shout.
‘Look what we found!’
