I say the first retort that comes into my head. ‘I took the condoms home.’ I give a shrug. ‘Can you imagine some random guest accidentally coming across them and pulling them out in the middle of a wedding?’
Lando’s face is pale in the shadow. ‘I was talking about stargazing, Maeve. But seeing you mentioned the condoms, I’ve been wanting to talk about the DNA thing too.’
I purse my lips and brace myself. ‘I’m not sure anything you say can ever make it right.’
‘I’d appreciate if you’d listen.’ He rests his forearms on the rail and looks towards the sea. Then he shifts towards me and lowers his voice.
‘You were right to think Sav and I argued in Australia. When I finally told him we’d spent the night together at the beach hut he went ballistic. To me that night felt like a beginning, but Sav saw it as opportunistic and irresponsible. It was the only time we ever fell out. He’d always felt it was his job to keep you safe and he was devastated that he hadn’t and was furious with me for my part in that. I thought he’d never forgive me, but when he saw I was tearing myself apart he relented, and the rest was him trying to fix things. However bad it feels to you now, everything he did came from him wanting to do his best for you.’
I murmur into the dark, ‘I suppose I can see that.’
Lando swallows. ‘When Sav’s message got through to tell me you’d had a baby, I was on a remote island with a very patchy signal, counting turtles. The dates were off, but I was holding my breath, waiting to hear more. I knew I was hard to reach, and to begin with, I thought that was why I hadn’t heard from you. It was a job I’d had to fight for, but I’d have dropped everything and come back in a heartbeat if you’d asked.’
His voice hardens. ‘Do you have any idea how it felt being on the other side of the world and waking up every morning thinking this could be the day the message would get through telling me we’d had a baby? But it never happened, and I couldn’t understand why. Some days I’d convince myself she had to be someone else’s after all, and I tried to forget about it, but I couldn’t. I’d still go to bed thinking maybe tomorrow would be the day, and it would start all over again.’
My heart is twisting with guilt. ‘I’m so sorry for putting you through that, Lando.’ I sense him tensing. ‘I realise it’s very little help saying that now.’
He shifts his arms in front of him. ‘It was a while before I came back to where the phone signal was more reliable, but even then there was still no word. As time went on, I kept off social media because I couldn’t face seeing that you’d moved on with someone else. When it was time to come home and there was still no news from you, I stayed on and did more travelling and Sav came back to St Aidan. He was obviously seeing you and the baby, but there was nothing concrete to confirm my involvement, and you were still giving nothing away.
‘Then, just as I was about to come back myself, Sav came up with the idea of the paternity test. It was typical Sav. He knew I was torturing myself and thought this would let me know for sure one way or the other. I was so distraught, I wasn’t hard to persuade.’
‘And that’s when you found out?’
Lando shifts. ‘Not entirely. By the time Sav went ahead and took the swab, I was back in London staying with my sister, Fi. He sent it on to me, but I could never bring myself to complete the test. As time went by it stopped being the first thing I thought about when I woke. I accepted that even if the baby was mine, you didn’t want my involvement, and eventually I put my energy into other areas and got on with my life.
‘Sav was always worried about how you’d react if I turned up here, but there were other reasons that meant I didn’t push. When I came back this time, I hoped I could do it without disrupting your life– or mine.’
My stomach is shrinking at how sad he sounds. ‘You overlooked that Aunty Jess was going to step in.’ I’m watching the moonlight reflecting off the sea. ‘You haven’t kept the swab?’
He gives a hollow laugh. ‘No. I’m so sorry and ashamed about all of it, and I completely understand why you reacted as you have. Now we’ve come this far, I’d rather you knew the full truth.’
I fill my lungs with salty air. ‘That’s the same reason I had to tell you– though I still suspect you may have preferred I hadn’t, given how you responded to the news.’ I’m trying to work it out. ‘How come you were ready to come back at the beginning, yet you feel differently now?’
He gives a sigh. ‘I’ve realised that your silence saved us all a lot of heartache.’
His desolate tone is striking ice shards into my chest as he carries on.
‘At the time I was smitten, and you broke me. But it’s a long time ago and I’m sure you had your reasons.’
There’s a pause as I take in the last revelation. I open my mouth to answer the rest but it’s hard to know where to start. Then I think again, because why would I share my own darkest shame when he’s so openly bitter.
My mouth is dry, but somehow I find my voice.
‘Weeks ago, when you said we shouldn’t revisit this, I disagreed. On reflection, I think you were right.’
He’s raking his fingers through his hair. ‘I came intending to give you a calm explanation; I know we guys are supposed to tough it out, but the past is very painful.’
He turns and heads down the steps and this time Martha goes with him.
He hesitates at the bottom, and calls up from the sand, ‘This won’t affect the weddings. I’ll still cover those.’
I mutter to myself, ‘Lucky for us both there aren’t any bookings.’ I wait until he’s disappeared into the darkness, then call Angel. As we make our way home I can’t believe how wrong this has gone and the pain I’ve caused. It’s only as I walk beside the rushes of foam silvered with moonlight that his words sink in: To me that night felt like a beginning.
And when I think about the fact that it was actually the end, I’m scraping away the tears that are falling on the sand.
32
Brides by the Sea, St Aidan, Cornwall
