‘I’ve told you before, I try never to think or talk about being ill, but it does have a big impact. If you haven’t experienced illness it’s hard to know what it’s like, but the ripples it causes reach untold areas of your life.’
He nods. ‘I imagine they do.’
I blow out my cheeks because these are the things I usually block out. ‘When you’re ill as half of a couple and then you recover, you know there are risks going forward, but because you’re together you also know that you can face them as a team if they come up.’
A sideways glance tells me he’s still listening intently.
‘In many ways it’s worse being the partner of someone who is ill than it is for the person themselves. What I’m saying is, you’d never choose to put someone into that situation if they weren’t there already.’
He shrugs. ‘I get that this isn’t straightforward.’
It’s my turn to take the stick from Shadow and I hurl it up to the drier sand and watch his back legs powering away before I turn back to Kit. ‘Honestly, not being able to have children is the simple bit. I even have frozen eggs.’ I roll my eyes. ‘I don’t have the money to pay for any procedures, because I used it to buy The Hideaway instead.’
‘You’ve made a lot of brave choices.’
‘I was simply being practical, planning my future as a single person because I don’t have enough to offer a partner.’
He’s still walking. ‘That’s the bit I still don’t get. Whycan’tyou be with someone?’
I blow out my cheeks again. ‘Once you’ve had what I’ve had, it’s not necessarily over. The cancer can jump around your body and start again somewhere else. It doesn’t happen to everyone, but if you’re one of the unlucky ones, you can’t stop it coming.’
He’s nodding. ‘So there could be a relapse?’
I pull a face. ‘If you look it up, you can find what the chances are but it’s easier not to get hung up on the numbers. It’s better to carry on and only worry about it if it happens. But it’s a rollercoaster to hell and back. You go for the ride if you’re already there because there’s no choice, but you’d never willingly join in halfway through.’
He gives a gasp. ‘Shit.’
I’m getting through to him at last. ‘It’s simply not fair to let someone fall in love with someone who could get ill again. If you’re starting out, your best chance is to choose someone who is well.’
As he stops walking and turns to face me his eyes are shining, and as I stop as well his fingers catch mine. ‘What if it’s already too late?’
And this is the other thing about being ill. You have to be brave. To cope at all you have to toughen yourself, and never allow yourself to break. I’ve gone for years without crying for myself, but suddenly my face is soaking wet, and the tears are finally falling. I want this more than anything in the world, but I can’t be that selfish. I’ve taken every knock along the way. I just never expected for it to hurt like this when the bad part should be over.
I swallow back the saliva. ‘My prize was getting better, Kit. I’m well, I can’t expect to have it all and fall in love too.’
His cheeks are wet with tears too. ‘I need to hug you, Floss.’
I take a gulp. ‘Please don’t do that. The truth is, I love you too much to let you start any of this.’
His arms close around me, and then I’m burying my cheek in the soft folds of his T-shirt, digging my fingers into his beautifully muscled back. As he speaks his voice is reverberating through his chest.
‘So, you do love me too?’
I nod. ‘I realised it the day Rye told me you liked me. That’s why I knew we had to stop seeing each other.’
Kit pulls back to look at me and his eyes narrow. ‘And have you been happy since then? Because I’ve felt like shit.’
I have to be honest. ‘I’ve felt awful too.’
He blows out a breath. ‘So we could be two happy people, or two unhappy ones? I think I’m going to have to overrule you on this.’
He pulls me closer. ‘If you love me and I love you, we have to find a way to make it work.’ He rubs his thumb on my temple. ‘Nothing in life is certain. We may have decades or we may only have a year. But however long it is, I want to spend that time with you – the good bitsandthe bad bits.’
I sniff. ‘I wish I could say “yes”.’
His chest heaves under my face. ‘I’d hate to be like your mum and David. I don’t want to have to come back and find you when your life is almost over, I want us to live every moment together.’
What he says is resonating as I think of all those years of happiness Mum missed out on. ‘Mum isn’t one to talk about regrets, but I’m so pleased they’re having their time now.’
