‘Okay.’ I look across at him, take in the shadows of his cheekbones, deepening in the fading light.
‘First, please don’t worry, I will be keeping my distance.’
‘Great.’
‘And…’ he gives a cough ‘…I need to tell you I love you.’
My heart does a skip, then my mind catches up. ‘That’sseriouslynot allowed.’
‘I know.’ He pops the cork, pours the fizz and leans to hand me a glass. ‘As we’re going to be together for the next sixteen hours, I’m telling you in the interest of openness and honesty.’
I take a sip of fizz and watch the bubbles rise in my flute. ‘Would you like some Wotsits?’
Kit shakes his head. ‘I’m okay without, thanks.’
I go back to staring at my glass, then five minutes later I sit forward. ‘How about honey-roasted cashews?’
I go to the kitchen without waiting for a reply, put the full bowl on the table and we both take a handful. I tuck my feet under me as I sit down and take a breath.
‘You know I can’t ever have kids?’ I watch his eyebrows shoot upwards.
‘Actually, I didn’t.’
I’m taking this really calmly and slowly. ‘Those scars on my tummy are from when they took all the bits and pieces away.’ If I said the medically correct terms, there’d be no guarantee he’d have a clue what I’m talking about.
‘Was that when you were ill?’
I nod. ‘They went all around my body, chasing down every last nasty bit. The chemo had already wrecked my fertility, so there wasn’t much to lose.’
‘I’m sorry, I didn’t realise.’
I shrug. ‘HRT is out of the question, I have the hormone levels of a pensioner, which is why my sex drive is the size of a small gnat’s.’
He smiles to himself quietly. ‘I can’t say I’d noticed that part either.’ There’s a puzzled look on his face. ‘Why didn’t you tell me this earlier?’
‘It didn’t go with the territory.’ I try again. ‘I’d hardly tell a casual date I’d had an early menopause after an elective hysterectomy. I’m only telling you now to explain why I’m not suitable girlfriend material.’ I can tell from his expression he’s still mystified. ‘You mentioned you and Vee broke up because she didn’t want children.’
His eyes narrow. ‘Well, yes … but maybe not in the way you’re thinking.’
‘How many ways are there?’ Surely kids are either a deal-breaker – or they’re not?
He takes a deep breath. ‘As a business partner, Vee was hard-headed, astute, and glamorous, but those aren’t necessarily qualities that make a great life partner. The moment she told me she didn’t want kids, it hit me that we were never going to be happy as a couple in the long term. Before that I knew it wasn’t working, but I couldn’t pinpoint why. So, that was the catalyst to us breaking up, but it was more about her lack of warmth and empathy than the children themselves.’
I take a sip of fizz. ‘Well, thanks for explaining that.’
‘It’s good we’re finally talking about things that matter.’ He hesitates. ‘And I’m sorry if what I said about having kids was insensitive. I wouldn’t have said it if I’d known your situation.’
I pull a face. ‘I’m less sensitive about it than I used to be. I can’t avoid little ones in St Aidan.’
His shakes his head. ‘It was heroic of you to deliver Arnie given the circumstances.’ His lips pull into a smile. ‘When I see Milla and her friends mobbing Rye I find the whole idea of having kids terrifying, but I could go either way.’ Then his frown deepens. ‘So does knowing how I feel about children change anything for you?’
‘Well, yes … but no.’ I owe it to him to at least try to explain. ‘There’s a lot going on in the background.’
‘Evidently.’ His legs are stretched out in front of him, and he uncrosses his feet. ‘How about a slow, barefoot stroll along the beach? Strictly no holding hands.’ Not only has he read my mind, but he’s already kicking his deck shoes off.
As we walk down from the dunes the sun has already dipped below the horizon, and the wind is blowing our hair across our faces. We turn towards St Aidan, kick our way past the trail of high water seaweed and make our way down towards the ocean. As we hit the shine of wet sand the water pools around the outlines of my toes and Kit stoops to pick up a stick for Shadow.
He hurls it into the distance, and once we’ve fallen back into a regular stride with a comfortable gap between us, he turns to me. ‘I’m listening whenever you’re ready to tell me what the problem is.’
