Mum smiles. ‘The kitchen had quarry tiles on the floor.’ She nudges Sophie. ‘You had your first pair of tap shoes when you were three, and you didn’t stop tapping until you became a goth.’ She shakes her head. ‘You had blonde curls just like your dad. He always hoped you’d be a dancer on a cruise ship.’
Sophie looks appalled. ‘But Ihateboats.’
‘I know. It’s ironic, isn’t it? What I need to tell you both is about what happened then.’ Mum watches the waves rolling up the beach, then she looks back at us. ‘The thing is, your dad didn’t leave voluntarily – I told him he had to go.’
The skin on my arms pebbles with goosebumps.
Mum purses her lips. ‘All these years I let people believe what they assumed – that he’d walked out on us. I always meant to tell the truth, but it’s always been easier to put it off.’
I take a deep breath. ‘Until now.’
Sophie’s opening and closing her mouth. ‘B-b-but…’
‘All I can do now is to tell you how it happened and hope you might understand.’ Mum’s clutching her collar. ‘Your dad drove for a long-distance coach firm, so he was often away. There were a few cottages in our row, and at one stage a man took the end one on a short lease. He looked shocking when he arrived; he’d been ill with leukaemia, his marriage had broken down, and the women along the row rushed to look after him, taking him baking and popping in with meals.’
She pauses to look at the sky. ‘He was very different from anyone I’d ever met before. He’d read a lot, he was interesting. Most of all, he was kind.’ Her voice is distant and wistful. ‘You don’t plan for these things to happen, but with your dad away we became closer than we should have done. We barely acknowledged it to ourselves, but somehow your dad knew.’
She stops for a few moments, and when she starts again her voice has changed. ‘And then Flossie came along, and it didn’t feel right to go on as we were when I was pregnant, so I made a choice. I stayed with your dad, and the other man moved away.’
My heart is going out to her. ‘That must have been hard.’
She nods. ‘Looking back it was the only time in my life when I was properly in love. But it wasn’t to be. His future was uncertain and I had two children to consider. It helped to know I was doing the best for all of us by keeping the family together. Then you were born, Floss, and you made everything worthwhile again.’
Sophie reaches across and squeezes my hand, and I hang on to her fingers.
Mum smiles. ‘You were blonde as a baby, Sophie, and your dad idolised you, but Flossie took aftermyfather. The morning you were born, Floss, your dad took one look at the dark hair and long legs that were nothing like his, and he barely looked at you ever again.’
Sophie’s grip on my fingers tightens, and Mum goes on.
‘I hoped that we could put things behind us, but he never shook off the jealousy. I could have coped with indifference, and I protected you as much as I could, Floss, but as you grew his animosity towards you became worse. Negativity like that is very destructive. It was no way for any of us to live.
‘It was the hardest decision of my life, especially for how it would impact you, Sophie. But one day after he’d been especially mean, I told him he had to go, and not come back. He did what I asked, and that was that.’
Sophie’s shaking her head. ‘It sounds awful.’
Mum stares at her. ‘It wasn’t a good time, but it was a lot easier once I’d been brave enough to make the break.’
I may as well say it. ‘That’s probably why you treated us so differently.’
Mum nods. ‘You were always bursting with confidence, Sophie, always certain you were right, whereas Floss needed much more reassurance. I meant you to be equal, but it doesn’t always work out that way.’
Sophie wrinkles her nose. ‘I’ve always felt indestructible on the outside, but since Milla’s been challenging me, I’m a lot less sure of myself.’
Mum smiles at her. ‘You’ve always been such a force. It’s easier for other people when they see your vulnerable side.’
I’m hanging on every word. ‘What happened to the other guy?’
Mum pulls a face. ‘Treatments weren’t what they are now, and his outlook wasn’t good. To give our family the best chance we agreed to cut contact. He promised he’d write in his will that I was to be told if he died, but I never heard any more. And since then it has always just been the three of us.’
Sophie comes straight out without flinching. ‘So whose child is Floss?’
Mum fiddles with her fingers. ‘I’ve never been entirely certain, but it’s unlikely a cancer patient would have been able to father a baby.’
They’re talking about it like I’m not here. ‘I’ve gone thirty-odd years without knowing either of them, so it’s hardly relevant now.’
Mum’s biting her thumbnail. ‘My decision hit you the hardest, Sophie. I hate that I deprived you of the dad who loved you, but at the time it felt like the only way.’
Sophie scrapes away a tear. ‘It helps to know it wasn’t his idea to go.’
