He leans his shoulder on the wall. ‘There’s so much we haven’t said yet.’ He pushes back his hair. ‘Rye mentioned Dillon’s visiting soon. That isn’t the reason you want out?’
‘Definitely not.’ Now the pressure’s off I’ve got a sudden urge to overshare. ‘Dillon and I broke up because I stayed home and watchedGilmour Girlsinstead of going to his après-Mud-Mucker party. There’s no coming back from stuff like that.’
There’s the hint of a sympathetic smile playing on Kit’s lips. ‘Vee and I broke up because she didn’t want kids.’
It’s random information that has no bearing on me whatsoever, but I feel like I’ve been stabbed through the heart. And where me putting Kit first and pulling away to save his feelings was my definite intention, finding out that Kit cares this strongly about having kids is like a guillotine slicing through every tie. This extinguishes every last remnant of hope that there could ever be anything between us. In endgame terms, I feel like a fly that got squashed by a mallet.
I’ve been playing with fire that I couldn’t handle, and I should be ashamed of myself.
My voice comes out as a high-pitched shriek. ‘Well, who’d have thought! Five hundred orgasms and we still knownothingabout each other!’ I look at my phone and then take in Kit, who has hollows in his cheeks so deep he looks like he could be about to expire ... and push on with the rest of my life. ‘The future Mr and Mrs Lugieri-Walker will be here in exactly five minutes. I’d better get you a coffee to bring you round.’
45
The Hideaway
Clapperboards and double takes
Friday
‘You’re still dressed as me!’
As I watch Sophie climbing the stairs onto the deck she’s looking so comfy in my favourite navy and white daisy print playsuit I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever get it back.
She flicks back her brown hair and grins at me. ‘I thought I’d give it another week. Or if you can spare your clothes, I may even carry on until the Barbie bash.’
When I arranged this meeting with Mum ten days ago, I was happy to have a date in the near distance to work towards because it felt good to have a dot on the infinity of the future stretching out in front of me. And the Barbie day is the same. That’s the weekend after this, and is my next way-marker in the wilderness of the rest of time.
It’s not as if I’m going anywhere much other than to work or to walk on the beach or to make deliveries at the hotel. And yes, I’m disgusted with myself for letting a guy mess up my perceptions like this, but as it’s never happened to me before I’m not sure how to tackle it. When Dillon and I separated that was awful in itself, but that was more of a shock that the comfortable couple structure we’d inhabited for so long was suddenly not there. This is more like being lost in a sandstorm of emotions I don’t understand. Some days I feel like I need Milla to come round and tell me very firmly to woman-the-eff-up.
I feel awful and responsible for causing Kit so much heartache. The last thing I wanted to do was to hurt him. If only he knew that all of the boundaries and limits I’d put in place for myself were there so I’d save him from even worse heartache in the long run. I’d like to explain, but I’m not sure I’d be strong enough.
As Sophie tickles Shadow’s ear and pulls out a chair, I nod towards a tall jug. ‘Help yourself to iced lemonade, it’s homemade.’
She grins at me. ‘It’s extraordinary. When you got here we all assumed you’d be changing The Hideaway, but it’s as if The Hideaway has changed you to be exactly the owner it wanted.’ She laughs. ‘Don’t tell me, any second, you’re going to bring out cupcakes?’
I’m not sure how I feel about her reading me so well. ‘As it happens, I am, but that’s because buttercream melting on my tongue is my new addiction. What’s in your envelope?’
Sophie taps the thick packet she’s put down on the table. ‘I’ve had ten days to prep for this meeting. My document runs to twenty pages plus supporting material, with copies for each of us. How about you?’
‘My questions are all in my head.’ Every time I got out my notebook I wimped out. ‘If we want to get the best from Mum you might want to lose the wig?’
‘Shucks, I almost forgot.’ Sophie’s own hair is less bright than I remember as she shakes it free, but she’s definitely more herself now. She whispers under her breath, ‘And here we go!’
Mum comes across the veranda and dips to kiss each of us, then holds out a bunch of cornflowers, sweet rocket and perennial geraniums bound with a raffia bow. ‘I brought you a posy from the garden.’
‘Thanks, they’re lovely. Even Milla’s given up on the flower growing here.’ As I pour out a glass of water and put the flowers in, I see Mum tug at her belt. ‘Your second-best painting boiler suit today.’
Sophie pours a glass of lemonade and pushes it towards her. ‘I hope you’re not rushing off?’
Mum clears her throat. ‘No, there are things in life you hope you’ll never have to talk about, but it’s important that I say them now.’
I can see Sophie’s fingers twitching on her papers. ‘If an agenda would help, I have one ready?’
Mum reaches across and pats her hand. ‘You need to do a bit of listening first, Soph, we’ll deal with the rest after that.’ She pauses and looks out at the horizon. ‘When you were little, before Flossie was even thought about, do you remember where we lived?’
Sophie nods. ‘In the row of fishermen’s cottages out on the Rose Hill Road. You were still there when Milla was born.’
I wrap my arms around me. ‘Clemmie lived in the same row.’
