Ross blinks. ‘I like the front.’ He thinks for a few seconds. ‘And Maudie Maudie sent the Brazilians too?’
If only they had, it would be less of my fault. As it is, I’m kicking myself for ever buying them; if I hadn’t been so self-absorbed, Diesel would still be running round the flat. As it sinks in that he might have to be operated on, and as an older dog his heart might stop under the anaesthetic, I have to come clean.
‘I actually bought them myself.’ I’m imagining Diesel stretched out at the surgery, tubes in his mouth, Ross and Elise in their scrubs leaning over him, and I know I won’t feel right until Ross knows the whole damn thing. ‘I had this crazy idea to wear them for a surprise seduction.’
His eyes cloud with horror. ‘Whothe hellwere you going to seduce?’
I’m blinking at him. ‘You, of course. Who else would it be?’
He leans back against his cushions. ‘Okay. That’s not so bad then.’
‘I know it’s the last thing you’d want, but I didn’t want to go back to London without trying. I needed to know for sure the answer was no – then I could get on with the rest of my life.’
He’s shaking his head. ‘Your usual pants would have done the job fine.’
‘Excuse me? How do you know what pants I wear?’
He looks up at the ceiling. ‘Bertie, I’ve lived with you for two months, I have eyes. There was that dress you wore for theMamma Mia!evening. And Diesel has also turned up in my room quite a few times with them in his mouth. And dropped them around the flat.’
‘Right.’ I’m a lot less calm than I sound.
‘Obviously I put them straight in the laundry basket.’ He leans towards me. ‘Hey, it’s fine, there’s no need to cry…’
I choke back a sob, and wipe my eyes on my sleeve. ‘But Diesel could die, all because I couldn’t accept you didn’t want to be with me.’
Ross lets out a long sigh. ‘I don’t know where you got that idea from.’
My eyes flash open. ‘Ross, you haven’t been near the place all week! Why else would you be avoiding the flat like it’s a plague village?’
His Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows. ‘It’s a lot more complicated than that, Bertie. I was working on something good enough to offer you, but then all your sponsors came flooding back, and when your publishers came through too, I simply couldn’t compete.’
‘So that’s why you stayed away?’
He nods. ‘I care about you too much to ask you to settle for less than you deserve.’ He takes a breath. ‘But I’m pleased you told me you were thinking about taking a last chance while you could, because these last few days on my own I’ve done a lot of thinking too. And with Walter suddenly in hospital, it’s reminded me again, I shouldn’t put off telling you…
‘A few weeks ago the worst thing I could imagine was not being able to do my job properly because of my hands. But then you arrived, and my whole world brightened. And now when I think of those problems with my hands, they’re nothing.’ His eyes are shining with tears. ‘The worst thing I can think of now is a future without you in it. I thought I was going to be able to tough it out, but I can’t. I messed things up between us before because I didn’t say enough, so I’m going to put myself out there now. For the first time in my life I’m going to be really selfish, but I’m going to have to ask you to accept less than perfect. Because the only thing that really matters to me is that we can be together.’
‘Oh my.’ As I sink down onto the end of the sofa, I can hardly believe this is happening.
His eyes are dark with anguish. ‘I’ve always been so hung up on getting everything mapped out. When I went to the States my career plan was all in place, I’d been crafting it for ever, and then we spent that time together here over Christmas and after that all that mattered was that I’d fallen in love with you. I was trying to see a way forward that would work for us both and then you told me about the baby and the world turned upside down. It all went so wrong that time around, I can’t bear to lose you all over again.’
I’m two feet away from him, breathing in his scent, taking it all in. ‘You were in love with methen?’
He gives a grimace. ‘I’ve always been in love with you, Cressy. That’s why I’ve always been so obsessed with making myself better. I hadn’t meant to make a move until years later, but when we kissed on that holiday suddenly my love wasn’t one-sided any more. As it became real it exploded into something bigger than I’d ever imagined possible; it was all I could think about. We both know everything came crashing down for us so soon afterwards. But since then I’ve never, ever stopped thinking about you or loving you.’
Maybe this explains my obsession with him too. ‘I think I’ve been the same; even as a teenager, I lived for your visits. I’ve loved you so long and so hard – apart from when I hated you, obviously. But even then there was a part of me that still couldn’t bear to let go.’
He pulls me round to face him. ‘I’ve been tossing some ideas around – sojust assumingyou might want to be with me, how would you feel about staying in St Aidan?’
For me he couldn’t have said anything better. ‘I have such good friends here. For the first time ever in my life, I love the version of Cressy I am when I’m here.’ I’ve been thinking about it a lot the last few days. ‘I love my blog, but until I was here I didn’t know how much I enjoy being face to face with real people. I thought I was happy before, but the happy I’ve found here is on a different level.’ Then my heart sinks. ‘But haven’t you had a fabulous job offer somewhere else?’
His eyes narrow. ‘Heading up a team developing joint supplements is a prestige position for someone, but I think we can both do better than that.’ He grasps my hand. ‘Remember at Sophie’s wellbeing day, how you said it was your dream to run residential courses?’
‘I do.’ I’m nodding furiously because that would be a dream come true, but I can’t imagine where he’s going with this.
He takes a big breath. ‘How would you feel about you and me taking over Walter’s place and doing that there?’
‘What?’ My jaw drops so far, it’s practically on my chest.
