Sophie’s eyes are shining. ‘That’s so exciting! It’s all coming back together. This time round might be bigger than ever.’
‘Wooohooo! And it’s all thanks to you mermaids and the lovely people of St Aidan.’ I should be thrilled, so I don’t know why my whoop feels so hollow. I truly don’t want to sound as if I’m ungrateful, because I’m not. But when something’s blown up in my face so spectacularly once, it feels odd to be putting my trust in it again. This time I need to be more careful, I mustn’t put all my eggs in one basket.
Thinking of hens reminds me. ‘I can’t wait to see Walter this afternoon, and tell him Catey called him hot.’
Sophie frowns. ‘You don’t think Catey may have got her wires crossed with that?’ She lifts up her Ray-Bans. ‘Or the wrong end of the stick?’
Sticks and wires and eggs in baskets. ‘I know exactly the clip she’s talking about.’ It’s especially cute. ‘I’m cheering on Joanie, and Walter swoops in and gives her a peck on the cheek.’ There’s nothing quite like oldie romance to make the views rocket.
‘I thought she meant another one entirely, but if you’re sure, it doesn’t matter.’ Sophie drops her sunnies again. ‘I’d better get back to the office.’
‘And we’re off to Kittiwake Court later to make New York cookies.’
Sophie nods. ‘I’ll see you up there then.’ As she takes in my bemused blinking she starts to laugh. ‘Nell told Plum and me, so we’re coming along to lend a hand too. You surely didn’t think we’d miss a cookie afternoon?’ As she rushes off to her shiny SUV she points upwards. ‘Don’t forget to bring your umbrella, there’s rain on the way later.’
Looking at the cornflower sky above us, I seriously doubt it. As for what Sophie’s talking about with the clips, I can only think that, with four kids, a multinational company and all the fundraising events, she’s got so much on, she can’t be right all the time.
36
Up at Walter’s after the New York cookie afternoon
This way to the beach
Thursday
‘Hey, Diesel, Sophie was wrong about us needing an umbrella.’
It’s later on Thursday, and Diesel and I are striding out across Walter’s meadow in the early evening sun, our legs dusted yellow with buttercup pollen. Nell dropped us off at the farm after Kittiwake, and I’ve done most of the regular jobs for today. But as I’ve eaten my body weight in sticky cookies this afternoon I’m walking them off by going to the far field to top up the sheep water. We’ve turned for home, and we’re still a couple of fields away from the yard when I spot a figure by the next fence waving.
It takes approximately half a second to take in the beaten-up denim jacket slung over his shoulders. As soon as he’s in earshot I call, ‘Ross, what happened to evening surgery?’ As a smile spreads across his face I can’t help thinking how much more relaxed he looks than he was when I first arrived.
He opens the gate for us as we get near. ‘The first appointment isn’t for an hour, and there’s something I want to run past you.’
As my heart skips a beat I trip over a tuft of grass and end up crashing into the fence. ‘That sounds exciting.’
He runs his fingers through his hair. ‘But there’s something else I want to say first, because it feels like time’s running out for us.’ He’s staring at me intently. ‘I don’t want to dwell on what can’t be changed, but you gave me your insight last week, so I want to return the favour.’
My tummy has dropped so far, I grab the fence rail. ‘Right.’ I can’t see it will alter anything, but it’s only fair. He’s wrong-footed me though; I was primed and ready earlier, but now I’ve let my guard down because I’ve given up expecting it. ‘Fine, fire away. I’m listening.’
He turns to lean beside me on the fence and his Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows. ‘I’m not here to make excuses. I know how badly I handled things. But this is my one chance to let you know how it was for me.’ He stops and pulls in a breath. ‘The day you rang with the news you were pregnant, I felt so responsible. So guilty. But it was the same day the faculty asked me to extend my stay from one year to two, so I was already really torn and confused.’
‘Confused about what?’
‘I hadn’t expected to miss you so much. I was weighing the upside of making myself good enough to deserve you, against the desperation of being so far away from you for so long.’
‘And then I dropped a baby into the mix…’
He nods. ‘The moment you told me, I was already going through a million options in my head.’
‘And that’s when you said you couldn’t make any promises.’ My mouth is dry, but I can’t keep the recrimination out of my voice. That moment, the devastation of hearing that he wasn’t going to be there for me, is still etched so sharply in my mind, it could have been yesterday. The hurt is still so raw. I’ve carried it with me for twelve years. It’s strange to think how clearly that single second changed the course of my thinking, and shaped my entire future.
Ross blows out his cheeks. ‘It wasn’t until afterwards that I realised how wrong I’d been to say that. What I meant was that I didn’t want to give you false hope until I knew what was possible. I thought saying, “Leave it with me, and I’ll try my best to work this out” would be enough. All I wanted was enough time to do the very best by you.’
He steps back and kicks the ground. ‘With my warped masculine pride, I totally missed what you were going through. You weren’t answering my calls, but I carried on blindly, trying to sort out the details on my side. And the irony is that when I arrived to see you the day you were in hospital, it had taken for ever, but I’d finally got all my ducks in a row.’ He’s staring out towards where the one tiny patch of sea visible in the distance meets the sky. ‘There was a media masters scheme out there, they’d agreed to give you preferential treatment down the line if you’d wanted to join it. But I’d actually arranged to come back here for a couple of years at least. What took me so long was that I had to wait for the faculty committee to agree to the deferment before I came back here for good. As soon as I had that, I took the next plane I could.’
My chest feels as if it’s collapsing. ‘So you weren’t only here on a visit?’
It’s as if the sun is echoing my despair, as the clouds close over it, and the grass in front of us goes dull.
