And this is my private, most hideous fear that keeps me awake at night: not finding anyone I care enough about to have kids with until it’s too late. Because as I know to my cost, it’s not just about a guy being able to turn my insides to molten toffee, and loving me as much I deserve to be loved. They also have to be reliable, and strong enough to carry both of us, in the toughest of times, not just for the easy stuff.
As for the fancying, that’s another awful part. You-know-who was the only one I’ve ever met whom I literally couldn’t keep my hands off. And it’s not that I’m looking for his clone, but no one I’ve kissed has ever given me that same out-of-control blood rush. Once you’ve had that it’s hard to settle for anything less.
Plum laughs. ‘That’s exactly what Clemmie used to say until your brother came along.’ Her grin widens. ‘That’s how it happens: one day you think you’ll be happy rocking the single life for ever, and the next thing, you’re a goner.’
Sophie’s spooning yogurt into Maisie’s open mouth. ‘Everyone’s journey is different too. Luckily not many of us have to go through what Charlie and Clemmie are doing.’
I’m musing to myself as much as to them. ‘Our sisters all have kids already.’
Plum smiles. ‘We’ve met a lot of them.’
And this is the other funny thing about coming away. My ordinary life in London is full of kitchens and baking, but it’s also full of bars and films and drinks evenings and late nights on the tube. Apart from when I go home to family get-togethers, I rarely see any children close up, let alone think about having babies. Yet since I’ve been here, there are kids of all sizes popping up round every corner. And once you see them every day you realise how amazing they are. And funny. And once you see people parenting close up, it lets you see you all the things that children add to your life. And then after a few weeks it hits: how very much I’d like one of my own.
And at first you dismiss the feelings as ridiculous. Then you let them in a little. Turn them around in your mind. Play with them even. Act out little scenarios in your head. Allow yourself to fantasise. When you’re looking at the Natural Cycles app on your phone the red no-sex fertile days take on a whole new significance. What the hell it would feel like if they were green-for-go instead of red-for-stop? And before you know it, the want has become an ache that won’t go away. It’s a very alien feeling for someone like me, who lives in the moment and tries to be happy as I am. Apart from those years as a teenager in love with Ross, I never allow myself to want what I can’t have.
To put it in context, when Ross and I slept together the Natural Cycles app hadn’t even been invented. When I lost Ross’s baby all that time ago I felt bereft, but I made myself deal with it by filling the awful gaping hole with other things. I was sad for not havingthatbaby, but I didn’t immediately want to replace it with another. And it’s taken until now, when I’ve met Millie, to fully come to terms with what I actually don’t have. Back then I lost something that weighed ounces, but the last few weeks here the loss is suddenly huger. Somehow, the moment I met Millie the loss that’s been dormant for so long did twelve years of growing all at once, and became person-sized. And from wanting to keep that secret tightly inside me all this time, suddenly I find it’s fighting to come out.
I knot my cardigan taut around my waist and pull in a breath. ‘I was like you, Sophie; I was pregnant when I was at uni. But I lost the baby at eighteen weeks, so instead of becoming a mum I went back to being just me again.’
Sophie’s arms come around me. ‘Sweetheart, I’m so sorry, we had no idea.’ She’s patting my back in the same way as she pats Maisie’s, and it’s strangely comforting.
My mouth is filling with sour saliva as Diesel’s head arrives on my lap. ‘Millie’s around the same age mine would have been now. In spite of our huge family, I only ever told a couple of housemates about this.’ I read the question in Plum’s eyes. ‘And the dad too, but he was away in the States.’ I give a sniff. ‘Meeting Millie and her being so amazing have made me realise what I lost. Everything I haven’t had.’
Sophie’s gently pushing my hair off my face. ‘One day you’ll have another, and that will be your rainbow baby. And I promise, they’ll be just as strong and wonderful as Millie, but in their own, very special way.’
I’m wiping away a tear when Plum’s voice cuts in. ‘Maisie, put the yogurt down, there’s a good girl.’
A second later there’s a splat, and Sophie lets out a cry. ‘Bullseye! That’s all down my back.’ She pulls a face and gently lets me go. ‘Don’t let Maisie put you off, she’s our messiest yet, they aren’t all this bad.’
Plum’s already dipping into Sophie’s changing bag. ‘Clean T, Sophie Potato?’ She’s laughing as she scoops Petit Filou off Sophie’s back with a serviette. ‘When we were kids the only food Soph here liked was Smash.’
Sophie grins at me as she strips off her powder-blue top. ‘I’ve made up for it since, Egg and Cressy, I can eat cake for England now.’ A second later the dirty top’s in a nappy sack and she’s into her next one. ‘This is my third today!’
Which reminds me to look at my phone. ‘Anyone like any cake-to-take? We should get going.’
Sophie picks up another square of sponge. ‘Thanks, Maisie and I have to run too, we’re off to toddler trampolining then nursery.’
I can see Plum looking longingly at the three pieces left in the box. ‘I take it you can handle these? We’re baking Roger’s shortbread this afternoon. I need to leave room for that.’
Plum gives me a thumbs-up. ‘And we’ll see you later for another meringue night?’ She brings out her phone. ‘You’ve had lots more views since we’ve been talking. And all the comments now are saying the same – you need to get your revenge on Ross!’
And we’re all straight on to the next activity, but somehow things have changed. It’s not so much that I told my secret. It’s more that I’ve found people who care about me enough for me to share it with them.
As Diesel and I head off across the deck I turn to the little group silhouetted against the sky. ‘Thanks for being there for me, guys, it means a lot.’
They wave back at me as they call out, ‘Any time, Cressy Cupcake.’
And it’s wonderful to know they really do mean that. There’s one more thought. ‘And it’s okay to tell Nell, and Clemmie too when she’s home.’ Now Charlie’s happy again, there’s no reason to keep him in the dark about something that happened so long ago.
And as Diesel and I make our way back down the hill to the harbour, I’m sadder because of everything I’m realising. But I’m also lighter, because it feels as if I’m colouring in a part of the past. Hiding my loss, closing it down, might have saved me from pain at the time, but as the years have gone by it has also made it feel as if it never happened. By sharing my secret now I’m finally allowing it to become real again. By acknowledging what I’ve lived, I’m affirming the person I am. And that has to be good. For me at least.
25
At the meringue evening at Oyster Point
Stiff competition
Saturday evening
