He’s stretching and clenching his fingers, staring at them. Then he stops and looks directly at me. ‘You didn’t tell your family. There wasn’t even a pause. You carried straight on with your degree and your career trajectory as if nothing had happened.’
I’m damned if I’m going to justify myself. And if my insides just disintegrated in the face of those dark brown irises, it’s a total one-off. I swear I’ll be ready for his full-on gaze next time it comes. ‘Everyone deals with things differently. I accepted I’d made a mistake, and moved on.’
He’s rubbing his thumb across the stubble on his jaw. ‘Whatever gets you through, I suppose. And good on you for being tough enough to do that. But not a day has gone by when I haven’t thought about this; it’s shaped every single thing I’ve done since.’
Which is a bit much to claim when he’s failed to react to anything relating to it so far. At least that explains why he’s so bitter.
But for me, to prolong anything that hurtthatmuch would have been impossible. All I could do once the numb shock began to turn to pain was shut it out. Lock it tightly away in a place in my brain where I’d never visit it again. And hurl myself at the future. And for the most part that worked for me. Or it has until now.
Ross would be the last person I’d ever admit that to, but he’s expectingsomethinghere. ‘I did learn from it. Mostly it taught me to aim high.’Seize every opportunity and rely on no one but myself.I’m gritting my teeth, clamping my jaw. ‘I refuse to apologise for making a success of my life since.’
He’s shaking his head. ‘And well done to you for everything you’ve achieved, Cressy. But that’s another thing it’s hard for me to get my head around. Your media persona and your polish are worlds away from the person you used to be.’
‘What?’I’m opening and closing my mouth but nothing else is coming out.
He blows out a breath. ‘I always had you down as full of heart. But you’re so wrapped up with yourself these days, it’s like no one else matters anymore.’
I bite back my shriek of protest. Make my voice low and level. ‘That’s a little bit damning.’ There’s no point defending myself against an onslaught like this. He has every right to think what he wants. I don’t have to take it on board, less still let it drag me down.
Ross gives a snort. ‘Take tonight, for example: you’re running up and downstairs on Tinder instead of supporting your family.’
‘Why would you sayTinder?’ Maybe it’s better he thinks that than knows the truth. ‘And how does my family come into this?’
‘Constant messaging and guys coming and going might be the giveaway.’ He pulls a face and his attitude is so darned smug and know-it-all. ‘No one really gives a damn about the detail, Cressy. What matters is that Charlie messaged you to talk earlier and you were too busy to respond.’
My eyes snap open. ‘Surely he can’t have?Why didn’t you say?’ As I reach for my phone and scroll through the names my stomach feels like a steel hand is gripping it. And then way down the list, miles off the bottom of the screen, just below Dave Rave, there’s Charlie’s name highlighted showing an unopened message. I click on it and there it is.
Crap day here, Egbert, could use a chat if you’ve got time x
‘Oh my stars. How the hell did I not see?’ I swallow hard. Charlie needed to tell me about the baby, and I totally missed it. Ross might have his head up his bum and be wrong about everything else, but he’s right about this. ‘I should have been there for Charlie earlier. I let him down so badly.’
Ross closes his laptop. ‘You’ve talked now. That’s what matters.’ He stands up, picks up his coffee mug from the side table. ‘I’ll take Diesel for a stroll before the tide comes in. If that’s okay with you?’
‘Great, he’ll enjoy that.’ I’m pleased he’s running this by me. It’s also a relief he doesn’t rub my nose in it any further, because I couldn’t feel any worse than I already do. But my mind is racing. After everything else Ross has said tonight, I really shouldn’t be accepting his help. ‘And thanks for all your effort with The Little Cornish Kitchen evenings, but I’ll manage those without you from now on.’
His forehead creases into a frown. ‘Nell said we were all Team Cupcake, and my jokes about bulldogs were what melted the ice with those hideous serious bakers. You do know how many bags I carry?’
I pull in a breath. ‘I appreciate everything you’ve done, but we can’t change the past. At least this way you won’t have to keep confronting it.’ It’s morally wrong to accept help when he despises me as much as he does. Sure, his dog jokes crack people up, but I need to be firm.
His eyes narrow. ‘I don’t know what Sophie’s going to say about this.’
I’m staring past him to the clouds outside as they turn smoky purple. ‘I’ll make sure she understands.’
I’m being much truer to my principles this way. If tonight has underlined anything for me it’s why it’s imperative to rely on myself and no one else. If I’d stuck to that in the first place and kept my distance from Ross better I’d have avoided this trouble tonight.
He stops and rests his shoulder on the kitchen door frame. ‘I’m not sure Charlie would approve of the dating app either. Meeting strangers without backup isn’t good.’
I’m not using the app but this feels like him overstepping yet again. ‘So is this Charlie disapproving, or you?’
Ross blinks. ‘You’re better than the guys who go on there, that’s all.’
‘This is the twenty-first century, Ross, catch up!’ As I curl my fingers around the notes in my pocket from the bake boxes I’m reluctant to give this up. Ross has got the wrong idea, but as it’s the perfect cover I’m going to play along for now. ‘Rest assured, I won’t do anything Charlie wouldn’t be comfortable with, okay?’
‘I suppose it’ll have to be.’ Ross is peering into the kitchen. ‘Did I see cake in here earlier?’
‘Cake? What kind?’
He’s frowning again. ‘That Jammie Dodger slice. There was quite a lot of it.’
