We just make it. Diesel’s curling up in the bedside armchair as we hear Ross come in and the kettle going on. Then I finally pull my phone out of my pocket and the blank screen pretty much sums up the afternoon. ‘And now the battery’s died. At least I’ve got a charger handy.’
I’m popping open a can of Pepsi Max and tugging at the pack of Pomme Bears I’ve brought through when the phone buzzes on the bedside table. And then it buzzes again. And again. By the time I open Messenger there are already eleven messages. They’re all asking about the bake boxes and as I tap out the replies more are coming in. I’m working my way through them when a person called Dave Rave simply shoots the money for two boxes into my PayPal account, and says he’ll be round to pick up in five.
As I dash to the kitchen I see Ross in one of the armchairs by the French windows, a squeeze ball in one hand, bent over his laptop. I take two cake boxes, drop in a selection of blondies, then bundle them under my jacket. As I hurtle across the living room and out onto the landing I shout to Ross. ‘Sorry to disturb, just popping to the garden.’
I open the downstairs front door as Dave Rave is reaching for the bell, hand him the boxes, say ‘Enjoy!’ and I’m back up the stairs before you can say ‘Cressy Cupcake’s on a roll.’
I make up a couple more boxes, type in a couple more replies, and someone else is already on their way.
So I take another deep breath and stroll in front of Ross. ‘Me again, back soon.’
This time he barely looks up from his screen. At some stage Diesel sneaks through to lie on the rug by the kitchen door, and by nine thirty I’ve made seven round trips and sold fifteen bake boxes and most of my tray bakes. Whatever Ross is watching must be riveting because apart from the odd grunt or hand stretch he hasn’t reacted at all. I’m hitching up my shorts, standing by the green dresser sinking my teeth into the last piece of Jammie Dodger blondie, thinking this is so delicious it has to go in the book, when Ross’s voice drifts through to me.
‘Cressy, do you have a minute?’
As I push the last crumbs into my mouth I hope he’s not rumbled me, because I have nothing at all against selling cupcakes, but I’d rather hedidn’tknow I’m doing it at the door. I just feel very vulnerable when a few bake boxes mean the difference between having cash and not. Especially when not long ago I was being sent three-hundred-pound dresses and getting paid even more to wear them in the baking photos for my Insta posts. It’s not that I’m proud, but I’d rather Ross thought of me as the success I used to be than as the temporary disaster-zone I am now.
I push my head around the door and try to sound business-like. ‘How can I help?’
Ross tilts his laptop my way. ‘Charlie’s on Facetime, he wants the two of us.’
I tickle Diesel’s ears as I pass. ‘Time for a chat with your dad.’ But as I cross the room Ross’s frown and the half shake of his head make me leave Diesel where he is. I perch on a chair edge and immediately regret that I’m so close to Ross that we’re practically breathing the same air.
The way Charlie rakes his hand through his hair as he waits for me to come into view isn’t a great sign either. Behind his head I can see the pale timber-clad corner of the Swedish beachside house they gave me a FaceTime tour of yesterday, and the water beyond is rippled by the wind. He sinks properly into view and rests his chin on his fist. ‘Just to bring you both up to speed – Clemmie’s IVF hasn’t worked, we won’t be having a baby this time around.’
I feel my whole body deflating for how crushed he sounds. ‘I’msosorry, Charlie.’ All I want to do is to hug him. I’ve been counting the days, knowing a pregnancy test would be coming up. Yet now he’s saying the words, I know I was taking it for granted that if they got to one of the most respected clinics in the world with a director they knew personally, and had the best care, and stayed nearby, then this would definitely happen for them. If I’m unprepared for the let-down after all their effort to make this work, how awful must they feel?
Ross drags in a breath too then blows out his cheeks. ‘I’m gutted for you both. But you do get the chance to try again?’
Charlie sighs. ‘We do. But that will mean another six weeks before we get those results. I’m just checking you’re both okay with the timescale.’
‘Absolutely. We’re in this for the long haul.’ Ross’s elbow hits my ribs. ‘Aren’t we, Cressy?’
‘Totally.’ Nothing I can say will make Charlie feel better right now, but I have to try. ‘Send my love to Clemmie, and be kind to yourself too. Anything I can do, you know where I am.’
‘Thanks. I’d better go and ring the oldies.’
His sigh is so long I have to offer. ‘I could do that?’
He shakes his head. ‘Nice thought, but it has to come from me. Give Diesel a hug for us, we’ll talk again soon.’ Then he gives a half wave and the screen goes blank.
I’m staring beyond the balcony to the darkening shadows on the beach, fixing my eyes on the invisible line where the sea meets the sky. ‘To think I was worrying over tray bakes and all the time their hopes and dreams were in tatters.’ I’m talking to myself more than Ross.
He shifts in his chair. ‘It’s not the end, they still have more embryos.’
The frustration is making me clench my fists so hard my nails are digging in my palms. ‘It just doesn’t seem fair, after everything else Charlie’s been through.’
Ross clears his throat. ‘It’s ironic that it happened for us so easily, and yet it’s so hard for them.’ The words are so loaded they seem to hit the floor and bounce back at me.
I flop back into my chair and try to get to grips with saying anything about this at all when I’ve sworn to myself I never would again. Especially with him. ‘We weren’tthatgreat at it. In case you’ve forgotten, we didn’t get the whole way.’ I let out a sigh because I’m so sad for Charlie and Clemmie, but I’m also appalled that Ross has twisted the focus onto us here. ‘You’re right though, they don’t even know what it feels like to get a positive test.’ Hopefully that will move this straight back to Clemmie and Charlie and their struggle.
Ross lets out a sigh. ‘Do you know what’s the strangest thing for me, all these years on?’
‘And?’ I have no wish to know how he feels about any of what happened to us, because I closed that door straight after. But I sense he’s going to tell me anyway.
He narrows his eyes. ‘I simply don’t understand how what happened to us back then doesn’t appear to have affected you at all.’
My jaw falls open and locks with my chin on my chest. I could ask how the hell he thinks he can see inside my head and read my mind, but when he’s talking like an arse I’m not going to. ‘Would you like to explain that further?’
